I feel so much better to be free of love !

Indeed ! Yours truely feels lighter and so very relieved to have escaped the tyrannie of love.
Since I pulled that little stunt with my german sexfriend, I have hardly given him a thought, turned him down once and had a couple of great rolls in the hay with another two newbies. I attended a festival and a few professional events, spent time with my familly and cought up on my favourite shows while my cat supported me by purring endlessly in my arms. Its so wonderful not to have a man on my mind , I have gone back to being the boss of not only my sexlife but of my life in general. Additionally I was able to concentrate on work and totally give myself to a brand new project that's very dear to me. Yes ladies... I am pleased to announce....drum rolls....that I have actually finished writing my book ! Of course the real work starts now, there is some editing to do and some administration work involved , but I will let you know how it goes. In fact , the creation and completion of a book feels almost as good as really good sex ! who knew ? I guess I must have , lol.
This week I had been thinking of Volker with very nice shag flashbacks and was tempted to call him but I resisted the urge and just pushed him out of my mind. Surprisingly , it had not been very hard to do.  Last night Volker poped in my head again and I pushed him away, I went on my balcony to do some writing when who called ? That's right.
It turns out he had been thinking of me too yesterday.
But he did not resist calling me, I told him that I too was thinking of him, he was in one of the most romantic outdoor bars of zurich and was wondering if he should come see me or not. I went cocky and said to ring twice when he will come. Did he think I would talk him into coming ? I might have if I were in love but being lovefree means he has no power over me. How cool is that ?
I quickly pimped up my bedroom and made myself pretty. My east german fuckbuddy turned up smiling and happy to see me.  I had hardly closed the door that we were making out like a teenage couple. He did his best to remind me why I like him so much. We undressed slowly as we rolled over my bed, panting and moaning. He went ballistic when he kissed my feet in their new sexy high heeled red sandals. He cupped my face and kept  kissing  me sensously while we made love three times. I felt as if I was growing wings and flying. All throughout our frolics I just kept giving my body  to Volker and avoided thinking altogether. I enjoyed every move, savoured every moment but I kept my heart to myself and did not let it take part in our sexgames.
At some point my lover came so hard he fell on top of  me and slept.  My cat jumped on the bed and Volker naturally rolled on his side to put one arm around her and one around my hips. It was so lovely to have my darling cat purring her whiskers off, comfortably between us. How can I  describe how beautiful this felt ?  Yet I kept my focus of not losing my heart to him  instead  I have reached a point where I can fully participate in the joy of talking to him, laughing with him, climaxing with him even sleeping with him while my cat purrs in his arms.  I can melt with Volker without falling desperately in love with him. All the best of loving someone without the pains of it. Since Im not constantly analysing what he says or what he does, I can relax and be my cheery smily self and that reminds him why he was attracted to me in the first place.
When he went home at 2am , we kissed endlessly by the door, in front of the lift and on top of the stairs. He had a hard time unglueing  himself off my body. I watched him walk down the street and he was practically dancing ! So cute ! Im so pleased to have all this without enduring love.

How to fall out of love.

My good friend M told me that, in his opinion ,I was  falling in love with Volker and in denial about it. A lady reader wrote to me that it was showing her that at least I wasnt becoming a robot, another lady suggested I give it a try to see how far it could go since exposing oneself belongs to the territory of relationships. Well M and some lady readers.... I admit I was starting to devellop some strong feelings for Volker, which is why his words were affecting me. When you are in love with someone, you are in fact giving them an open invitation to hurt you at will, anytime they please. A happily  married friend of mine revealed that her husband knew how to push her buttons and could destroy her easily , should he chose to, but she trusts him to be a decent man who wont do such a thing, knowing her husband I know that he is a really good man and she is safe with him. So yes I was falling slowly, dangerously in love and starting to feel the downs as well as the ups of this state. But trusting ? Exposing myself ? Depending emotionally on someone ?
Aw hell no !
This is not how I want to live. I love being the boss of my sexlife, I enjoy being the boss of my everyday life in general. I love not being accountable to one man for anything, I love being balanced and independant, I love being able to make decisions on the spot regarding work or leisure without consulting. I love waking up alone with my cat in my arms, beauty cream on my face and wollen socks on my feet without having to pretend to look perfect all the time. Cooking pasta all week if I so desire and scoffing some fatty dessert at 2am in front of a Pedro Almodovar or Quantin Tarantino dvd are perks of a single woman that I dont wish to lose. Reading till late or having a long soak in the bath without being told to come to bed because its late, are privileges. Do I ever feel lonely ? No I never feel lonely, I have familly and friends I can reach out to. Do I need constant compagnionship ? Nooooo it would drive insane in the long run. Like all of you, I have good and bad moments but I love my life the way it is, I have worked hard to become independant and refuse to risk losing this.
After a period od denial, yes M you were right as usual, I thought about it long and hard and decided that I needed to fall out of love with Volker. Sleeping around with lots of other men wasnt working because I would immediately think of him afterwards. How did I manage ? By immersing myself into my work and always keeping my head busy, I forbade myself to call him and went for swims or read lenghty complicated novels in order to always have something else on my mind. The more I was missing him the more I avoided contact, easy to do since this is the festival season and he was probably attending lots of concerst after work. I talked to a couple of friends, meditated a lot, went a couple of garden parties and nearly drawned into paperwork. Then on monday I arranged to see Igor, my favourite shagbuddy. I enjoyed him to the full and loved his no nonsense attitude, reminded me of who I am. On wednesday I run into a man I had a major crush on a couple of years ago... didnt feel a thing. By thursday I felt strong enough to make contact with Volker but how could I do that without sounding clingy or needy ?
I took a pic of my breast in a black lacy bra and texted it to him without a word.
His reaction was immediate.
-Lovely ! What are their names ?
-We are the breasts of your secret lover.
-Lol, sublime !
-We would be happy to feel your large hands and sexy mouth on us and on Chantal again sometimes.
-I cant this week, I have musicians friends coming over and we are gonna jam.
-Nice, Im going to Interlaken this weekend anyway, I was just having erotic thoughts of you, have fun.
-You have fun too. 
There ! I had reminded him of how sexy and how funny I can be, I hadnt said anything lovy and showed that I had a life with or without him. Now the ball was in his camp but at least I had gotten some reaction from my east german cro magnon. The center was packed that day and I didnt get a chance to check my mobile until a couple of hours later. Imagine my surprise when I found 3 texts from Volker and a picture of his dick ! He had taken his pants down to photograph his manhood and wrote : This is how you make me feel. YAY ! He still wanted me after all. His texts were more of a monologue.
-I would love to fuck you right now if I wasnt at work.
-How about I come to your house at six o'clock ?
-No that wont work because Im picking my mates up at nine. But I would have loved to. No there wont be enough time.


I read his texts and wondered why he thought three hours wouldnt be long enough to have sex with me, get changed and meet his friends. I calmly answered
-thats ok because I am gonna be home before seven.
What do you think he wrote back ?
-Seven it is then.
If six o'clock would  not leave enough time, how would an hour less be better ?
Seven o'clock came, I was a little nervous to say the least. There he was. Standing in front of me, smiling, confidant, horny. We barely said a word, he kissed me romantically on the door step and practically undressed me in the hall. His jeans and shirt came off as we stumbled on my bed and there was the magic again. Part of me was ridiculously happy that Volker was back into my arms and the rest of me decided to just enjoy without doing any thinking. He gave his best last night, staring adoringly into my eyes while he was drawing circles in my body with his now very erected manhood. I taught him that, he has no idea that it is a black move but he knows I love it.  Cupping my head and whispering my name. Caressing my legs and planting small kisses on my feet. Compliments and sweet nothings. He was giving me everything he knows that drives me out of control. In fact I almost bit my lips a couple of times and turned my head away from his gaze as I felt like screaming I love you !!!!between moans and sighs. Whenever he was not looking at my eyes, I would look at him and repeat to myself  "you are just another fuckbuddy like Igor, nothing more."  After a wave of multi orgasms that shook him to the core, he fell on me and rested a while before turning on his side and marvelling  at me. He loves doing this post sex, just laying by my side, looking at me silently,  kissing my lips or  my hand, patting my back and smiling. These are times when I am disheveled, sweaty and  out of breath but I feel so beautiful and alive reflected in the loving eyes of my lover. I could feel myself falling for him all over again and I closed my eyes pretending to fall asleep when the loving stare was becoming unbearable.
Volker fell asleep holding me while I offered a silent thank you prayer to the Lord. Does that sound inapropriate ? What is wrong with two consenting adults making love . Does that sound weird ? I always consider a evening or a night of wonderful sex with a gorgeous stranger to be a gift from life so yes I said thank you for this special moment of happyness. I normally enjoy to cuddle up to my cro magnon when he sleeps but this time I forced myself to get up anf have a shower in order to take romantism and intimacy out of the equation. He was still sleeping when I returned to lay by his side and put my arms around him. Was I sure I wanted to break an emotional bond to him ? Oh yeah I was sure, I wont lose myself even for the sake of magical moments. Instead I would train to have both the beauty of our love making and then my peace of mind after he would close the door.
He made some noises and grabbed my hand, I knew he was awake when he turned around and showed off a really sizable erection. How did he manage to get so much wood ?  Had he been staring at the pic of my breasts all day ? Hmmm he was the perfect dream lover again for another hour at the end of which he exploded  so hard he was grunting and screaming. He roared like an animal and I felt quite proud to know that my body was causing this erotic madness.
Later he kept me in his arms for a nice long cuddle, telling me all about his musician friends come from east germany, their music room, their concerts and their plans. I wondered if he wasnt late to meet them and he revealed he told his friend he would be there around ten pm. Funny how men can always organize themsleves when they really want to get laid, isnit ?
We kissed passionately and instead of making goo goo eyes at him, I observed him as he explained about his music making computer and talked about a young trisomic neighbour of his. I observed coldly, looking for faults or silly mimics... nothing to complain about. Volker is handsome in a manly rugged
neandherthalian kind of way. Older looking that his thirty years. He does make silly faces when he wants to make a point or when he pretends to pout but this is in fact quite cute. Still not someone I cant entrust my heart to, he is a little unstable, lives like a hippy and doesnt have any real plan. Thats it ! Im not gonna fall in love with this man, but I will continue to love shagging him.....
When he got up to get dressed I didnt cling to him nor try to make him stay. We kissed some more by my front door, he kissed my cat goodnight too. As he left ,I felt good, satisfied and free ! What a feeling !
A smile on my face and a song in my heart.
I had unhooked myself of the man I had almost fallen in love with. There was however one final touch to add to my Volker weaning program, after showering again and tidying up I rang this brezilian guy who works late, he came running to my bed and we had a nice couple of romps. Why did I do this ? Simply because I wanted to see if I could. When Volker leaves, I linger around in bed, seek his scent on my pillows, cuddle my cat with my eyes closed reliving every second of our night together and fall asleep dreaming of him. Not this time I thought. The brazilian was quite entertaining, simple, easy to talk to, very uncomplicated, very brezilian. The anti thesis of Volker in fact. I wanted to see if I could have sex with another man without thinking of my german fuckbuddy... and I did. Even when I closed my eyes and pictured his face, it just wouldnt stay there. yay for brazilians ! Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now official.... I have fallen out of love with Volker W. and am now myself again.
Yay for me.

Dont wanna fall in love

You know how they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else ? It doesnt always work. Unless you have a sex bomb like Igor to get underneath of. Im coping with the realisation that I might have developed some feelings for Martin and I really am not happy about it for a number of reasons.
My friend M, the only man I respect enough to listen to, has a theory that Martin words to me, a couple of weeks ago, hurt me because I might be falling in love and we all know that the ones we love are the ones who have the power to hurt us at will. If thats the case I dont want to be reminded of how love feels.
I miss the jerk everyday but I refuse to be a victim,
I have practically been sitting on my hands not to dial his number, I miss his touch like a junky crave his fix. Before Martin becomes my own crack, I am taking a few steps, im not calling or texting and I have had a couple of satisfactory sex dates. However my thoughts always turned to him afterwards.
How annoying ! How do I get that guy out of my head ? I want him out of my head now !  Tonight I was feeling on fire, I tried to immerse myself in paperwork or a complicated novel and it didnt work. Whom shall I call to have a nice time with, I wondered. I just told Ayo to get lost a couple of days ago and Karim is way too clingy, I'd never hear the end of it. The Brazilian man told me that he is not a second choice, I guess he must have checked my facebook page, oops ! That cute saoudian informatician did ask me out but Im not sure.... whom ? That serbian mountain of  muscles who got offended when I refused to get in his car ? I dont think so. I just never get in a car with a man I dont know, end of story. Whom ?
Who do you think I called that came running fifteen minutes later ? Thats right. Igor, the king of wood, the giver of hot hot hot sex that never asks questions. Igor ! I have often turned  poor Igor down because of Martin so it has a nice symetrie to it. My caveman waltzed in and took me right on the dining table, not very dreamlike but quite efficient. Martin did pop into my mind a few times but I pushed him away kissing Igor hard. Of course I noticed the difference and missed the tenderness and the adoring gaze but this loving sex comes at a really high price that im not willing to pay. Even if Martin could have been  a new chance of loving, he is not gonna love me back, he is a thirty year old man who still lives like a hippy and when he will be my age, my age, I shall be a little old lady of seventy years. Whatever we have in common, there is just too much going against us and I have no desire to hurt this way. Therefore I focused on Igor and enjoyed it to the point of being quite noisy. Did I mention that tonight  Zurich's barometer is over 30 ° ? I left the window open and thought nothing of it till some woman started screaming that we could at least shut the window when some people are trying to get some sleep. We broke out in hysterics, that was really funny, so funny in fact that we had to take a break, giggling that we were. Igor is gone home now and I have no thoughts of Martin, at least for now. Im gonna keep fighting this love danger before something really bad happens, stay tuned !

Just because he likes you a lot, doesnt mean he loves you.

This is a tragic mistake we all make and need to stop making for the sake of our sanity. Even I, had some issues regarding the " doubt ". When a man you date for a while, is regularly giving you some fabulous sex, looks at you adoringly and enjoys talking  to you for hours about different topics, you would think that he might like you a little, right ?
Wrong.
How crasy is it to imagine that the one man who makes you feel wonderful, loves your cooking, shares a few center of interest with you and keeps telling you about all the thing he loves about you, from the scent of your skin to the sound of your voice, how wildly insane is it to supose that maybe, just maybe....he might actually like you more than  it appears ?
As time goes by, he keeps showing you that he really really likes you very much. Till one day you find yourself wondering if there is more to it. Does he love you ? Is that what he is trying to say ? He is so caring and very considerate... is it because he .....loves you ? What would you do with this love anyway ? You are probably just misreading the signals but....you have a doubt. Suddenly you cant help wondering about it.
Let me illustrate this by something that happened to me only 13 days ago. I had had a hot hot hot very steamy yummy sex evening with my soon to be ex shagbuddy Martin followed by a long cuddle and some conversation about his home town. I was leaving on the next day for a week holls in Portugal, my backpack was still half empty in the hall. As we were kissing goodnight for the hundredth time when he nicely wished me a great hollidays before asking me how many portuguese I was gonna screw that week ! I pointed out that it was a girlfriend holliday with Caroline who happens to be married and screwing around was definitely not on the menu that week. He insisted, with a smile, that maybe I would bring a cute portuguese back in my luggage and I jokingly said : Why would I screw some portuguese on my hollidays when I have you ?
Martin  immediately answered, with a smile, " But you dont have me ".
I was mortified ! How could I have embarassed myself this way ? I felt so exposed and so vulnerable that within a second I giggled that I was only joking. He kissed me some more after that but I couldnt stop thinking of what he had said.
But you dont have me ! Sounds even colder in german : Mich hast du nicht.
Here is a man who always makes stupid innuendos about how our love making could be dangerous, about how people can fall in love kissing the way we do. He sometimes points to my forehead saying : Martin is here. And I just giggle politely when he does this, am I so wrong in hoping he might have shown me the same courtesy when it was my turn to make an innocent joke ?
I have been home for three days and havent rang or texted him. I ignored calls from Igor and Jerome, postponed a couple of others and spent a really wild evening with my new brazilian hottie.
Am I angry that Martin said this ? In fact Im more angry with myself for showing vulnerability for a split second. Could it be that we were seeing each other too often ? going too far ? Absolutely, and that means Martin gave himself the right to get familiar enough to the point of being rude. I still desire him but im gonna create a distance between us, either we break up again or he will be just another fuckbuddy like Igor or Karim. With this exemple I wish to show you, in case you didnt know it, that just because your lover really likes you, it doesnt mean he loves you. Sadly...

Sex with clothes on

My east German shagbuddy and I had already had a roll in the hay and had gotten dressed again. I was just thinking that it had not been as good as before. He had not looked at me straight in the eyes untill we started having sex and he wasnt as cuddly as usual, what was wrong ? However when we started getting down to the nitty gritty he was my dream lover again....BUT without the magic .  Later on, we were dressed, sitting on my couch, playing with my cat and talking about bio nourishment as opposed to yucky micro waved processed industrial precooked meals. My boredom was growing into something more annoying. Here he was bitching about coca cola and television making people oblivious to nature and yet he drinks alcohol ? At some point we started saying goodnight and I gave him a kiss in the neck...while caressing his sixpack through his shirt, he liked that. Playfully I started to plant lots of slow kisses on his tummy, still through his shirt... he really liked this. Was that an erection that was bulging in his jeans ? Indeed it was ! I began to caress it through the rough fabric and still kept kissing his shirted chest and tummy. I looked up and noticed his eyes were crossing slightly, something Martin always does when he is in the throws of passion. When he started moaning I discretly took my lace panties off and zipped his jeans down to free up his very hard dick which jumped straight into my hungry mouth. Martin was twisting and gasping till I straddled him, impaling myself on his manhood. Now that was hot ! He grabed my hips to dig himself deeper into my body. His eyes locked into mine and I cupped his face in my hands while we kissed and kissed and kissed till he came in one long scream. At last ! I felt connected again, we stayed in this position till our hearts stopped racing and we could breathe normally again. I hadnt had sex with clothes on in such a long time I had forgotten how much fun that was. Besides when you have a lot of sex with the same man, it is really important to keep it exciting by doing different things.
Martin left soon after that because he had to work early on the next morning, but now, he had a large smile on his face.