The 10 yearly special man

Every ten years a special man manoeuvers himself into my life and rocks my world with some consequences.
When I was twenty, I met my Jake who became my first man, my first husband , the father of my children and a life long friend.
Jake is still absolutely worth it.
When I was thirty, I fell in love with Ismet, 8 years younger than me,  whom I consider to be my last serious boyfriend and loved me back so passionately for 18 months. He made me want to be a better person and I still feel the benefits of his love to this day.
Ismet was so very worth it.
When I was forty, a portuguese alcoholic bartender called Carlos , 14 years younger, forced a tumultous and insane , rocky relationship on me for an entire year before leaving me humiliated and embarrassed.
 The only good thing that came out of it, is that my children realised I was a woman and not only good old mom.
Carlos was absolutely not worth it and I regret the whole mess.
When I was fifty I met Martin, 20 years younger than me, who gave me tenderness and mixed feelings for 15 months. He showed me what loving sex was even though I had given up on it. I have no regrets but I will be carrying on being the boss of my sexlife because that is the life style that makes me happier.
Martin was really worth it.
What an incredible ride !
That means I get to have another decade of naughty fun, yay !
 But do you think I shall have a love story with a forty years old as I reach sixty ? He will have to be some kind of intense fruit cake to fit MY standards and top his past competition. lol

Happy Valentine to my fellow singles ! Muah !

Each Valentine the same nonsense happen. Some people who dont truely know me, look at me condescendingly and declare thats its too bad I dont have a partner because I wont get a rose and a card. Not to mention those who advertise that their man will actually come home early and give them a good shag on Valentine. Seriously ? People like this really think they should feel sorry for me ?
How sad is it that a woman has to wait for Valentine day to get some attention, floral or sexual, from her partner ? I am happily single and get laid so much more than most women in relationships. Flowers and candy come to me all year not on one yearly event. I am happy for couples who really have lots of loving fun on Valentine but I am asking smug arrogant  and otherwise ignored bitches to leave us single gals alone with the pretence that you are better off that we are.
Being single means total freedom and having all your options opened all the time, so please do not be sorry for us we sure are not. I know a few couples in love who really get in Valentine and it is wonderful for them. However my idea of a great Valentine is a quiet evening at home with my beautiful cat purring lovingly by my side while I stuff my face with my favourite home cooked dinner, watching some funny romantic comedies. Friends and familly will text cute messages, perhaps a shagbuddy or two will as well, that is quite enough for me. I have fun and sex all year around, not just when the calendar says I can. I make a point of not having sex on Valentine day, to me it means more if a friendship thing rather than a lover thing. On my Valentine week I shall have 2 great sex dates and a couple of wonderful girlfriend dates, tons of chocolate and probably a long long soak in my bubble bath. How Valentiny is that ? taking loving care of myself ?
Happy Valentine to all of you from my cat and I, Muah !!!!!!

Love comes in so many forms.

Dear readers, just wanted to let you know that I am back.
I was reminded of what love feels like and I am very grateful for this  extraordinary experience which I shall cherish always. But as well as humbling me and teaching me how essential it is to have love in my life it also confirmed how happy I am to be single. Yes I have enjoyed all the perks of a relationship  but I have strongly disliked all the little dramas of it.
I acknowledge that we cant live without love but I have chosen to bypass the love of a man and be the boss of my sexlife aka my independence aka my power aka my happiness.
Yes I miss the intimacy but I don't miss the tyranny. Sure I miss the magical love making but I don't miss the having to always look fabulous and make up romantic decorations. Too much work if you ask me. Of course I miss the familiarity but I sure don't miss having to explain and to hold back and to lie to protect myself. I am so relieved not to be afraid of losing him anymore. It is so nice to just put on flannel jammies, face cream  and switch my phone off for the night without leaving it on so that he could call any time. How liberating not to have to tidy up my apartment everyday or to not hesitate accepting another invitation during the weekend because he would surely turn up and get upset for days if I said not today.
My privacy has returned ! woop woop !
Love comes in so many forms, I don't need to be dominated or vulnerable to have love in my life.
There is so much love in my life as it is.
My family, my siblings and specially my grown children fill my days with love. I had tea with my quasi daughter in law this afternoon and I could feel her love for my son, this made me feel like a million dollars. Just as I do when I watch my daughter's fiancé look at her with such adoration. I feel love for my friends when we confide in each other and support each other through tough times. I even feel love when I go to Church. I certainly feel love when I pray and when I read the Scriptures. I feel love when my cat wakes me up ever so gently with her innocent purring in the morning.
I love my dear friends, I love the father of my children. I love my profession that makes me help people and make them feel better. I feel love when I do voluntary work for people who really need it.
I listen to a Michael Jackson or  a Ray Charles album and I feel their love for the wonderful music they have so generously given the world.
My heart swells with love I think of my children and the lovely bond that we have.
Yes there is love in my life, all kinds of love, tons of love.
It is not the love of a partner BUT it is love never the less and it is enough to make me feel whole.
I am back, with more knowledge of the love I am giving up on, and I make a conscious choice of remaining the boss of my sexlife.No regrets there.
My terms, my conditions, my risks.
May love stay in my life always.

I was reminded of how love feels

Lately,  I have been reminded of how it feels to be in love.
The horrible parts were all the frustrastions, the untold truth, the secrets, the fears, the stress, the lies, the questioning, the mind battling, who is whom, who dominates, who is the dominee, the power struggle , the complications and the vulnarability.
The wonderful parts were to feel so comfortable with someone, to have the feeling I was fusing with him. I heard someone said that making love is when two people become one, and that was exactly what I was feeling. The familliarity, the private jokes, the incridible intimacy, being unafraid of showing myself emotionally naked even if I knew he would stub me in the back again, someday. The amount of tolerance and forgiving it takes to allow a man in my life had not been clear to me in years. Forgiving him for bitchy comments or weird actions just because I knew I was safe with him anyway. Putting a distance between us and giving him the cold shoulder each time he got on my nerves and watch him campaign to get back into my pants, was also a lot of fun. But what has impressed me the most is how he gave himself to me so completely, without limits ot taboos. I did not reciprocate because.... I just refuse to give my body so totally but whatever I denied him physically I made up for in emotions. We never fucked, not even the first time, we made love always, always. We locked on to each other's gaze while making love and even while making out and that is when sex became sacred again. I spent the last 15 years of my life desacralising sex because I wanted to keep it for my last man  and the power of it terrified me.
Yet, that young skinny white boy from eastern  Germany rocked my world on and off from september 2010 to January 2012. I did not even realise this was a relationship until it was too late, I found myself writing  about other men I slept with ( yes I was not faithful, I am after all the boss of my sexlife ! ) but suddenly, I could not publish about our dates anymore, I wanted to keep it private, just for me. Just for us.
It took a boy, who is not even my type of man, to gently force such a connection upon me.
To remind me of what loving sex is. Indeed I will humbly admit that sex with love is a nearly divine experience and I am grateful that I could be reminded of it.
When he 'd kiss me I could hear Michael Jackson sing, during our love making I even heard Church hymns sometimes. I struggled so hard against my feelings for him and so was he.
We never wanted this, it just happened.
My goodbye  present to Martin was to say that I LOVE YOU,  but I only admited  it because this was the last conversation we will ever have and he wont be able to do anything with that love.
It was a humbling and very emotional experience and I have no regrets at all, Loving sex is sacred, it is the St Graal of sex and Im so very happy to have known this once more. He was so worth it.

However, I still dont want it in my life because once again for  this  price is too high to pay. Sacred sex, magical love making that gave me tsunamis of emotional multi orgasms as well as physical ones is simply too much for me to handle. It is uncontrolable and irreplacable. I am not getting over my ex lover by getting under someone else straight away, I am going to enjoy the exquisite pains of love leaving my heart while lingering in my soul and cherishing that knowlege.
Martin did not break my heart, in fact he gave me wonderful closure and I am at peace with the memory of us, of what was,  and what might have been , had circumstances been different.
My next lovers are going to be one night stands or fuckbuddies only. I never want to go through this again, there is a reason why I live my life the way I do, and once again love kicked my butt. Give me time to recover and I will be the boss more than ever. : D
I might even use that pain to write a novel , lol

Cheating emotionally is still cheating !

Last night I had an unpleasant surprise. My favourite friend with benefits with whom I have this love-hate, on-off thing told me that he met someone while on hollidays abroad. He insists he did not sleep with her because he wanted to end our connection first. In his mind, he did not cheat because no sex was had, but I do say he did cheat because he has develloped strong feelings for the slut in only a week. How did this even happen ? We had a hot night before he left, he rang when he returned but for some reasons I didnt pick up. My little inner voice told me that he had met someone. I did not think of him all week as I got extremely busy and on friday night he texted again. My little inner voice told me to ignore him and I did. Last night I was getting ready to go to a friend's birthday party when he texted and this time I didnt listen to my inner voice. We texted back and forth, wished me fun at the party while he was going to get drunk at a concert. I asked if he wanted to meet later and he texted NO.   This is not his text manner at all but I decided he wasnt gonna spoil my fun and I went to that party. I was home around midnight still high on the great time I had when he texted to ask if I were still awake. I texted yes back and did my pre bed routine, brush my teeth, wash my face, cuddle with my cat, he texted 30 minutes later, and now ?
after another half hour he asked if he could come to see me. I was tired but someting told me I needeed to know what he wanted so urgently. He arrived dressed quite elegently, not his style at all. I could smell some beer and red wine on his breath and wondered why he had not done his usual considerate thing to chew mints before coming to me. We talked about his holls and my week and as usual we kissed and kissed and kissed till we melted together in fabulous sex, gazing at each others eyes, playing with my hair and kissing some more, the magic made an appearance. BUT.
After 15 minutes he was all done and pulled me into a cuddle. I still didnt understand he was getting ready to stub me in the back again. Silly me.
- I could have slept with a couple of women in Teneriffe but I did not. I did not cheat on you.
-Aha, and ?
-I wouldnt do that, I have never cheated on you.
-cool, and ?
We kissed some more and in the middle of a kiss goodnight he said :
-I met someone in Teneriffe.
I stoped kissing and steped back against a pillow.
-Did you screw her ?
-No of course not ! We only hanged out at the airport and talked.
-Then why are we talking about this ? Nothing happened right ?
-I really like her, in fact I want to live with her and start a familly.
-What ?
-I cant stop thinking about her, at night I just lay and wonder how she is doing ?
-You just squeezed your dick out of my body ten minutes ago, we are still wet and sweating in my bed and you lay on my pillows saying at night you will think of another woman ? HELLOOOOOOOO
What is wrong with you ? Are you retarded ?
-But I am just telling you the truth, I didnt want you to hear it from someone else. I like you enough to do this face to face instead of texting it.
Was the idiot wanting a medal ?
-OMG you are breaking up with me ! again. in my bed again, and post sex again ! Why did you sleep with me tonight when you knew you came to say its over ?
I still cannot believe he said what I heard him say.
-I really like you and I love to have sex with you. I just had to have you again. I knew that if I had told you before, you never would have given me your body one last time and I really needed to feel you again.  I took what I wanted, that's all, and yes I am a selfish asshole.
Even now those words havent sunk in. Has he lost his mind or was he always a cold calcuting S.O.B ?
-Since this is gonna be our last conversation and I need no longer be diplomatic with you let me ask you a few questions.
I asked him questions that had been on my mind about why he had said this or done that at such and such occasion and he answered every one of them. The results of this is, we were getting much too close for comfort and each time he did or said something bitchy , he was protecting himself from loving me. He went there to think about his situation with me and thats when he met this other person. He realised our age difference will begin to matter with time and I wont be able to give him children or be around in ten or twenty years as his woman. He didnt know what were. He is certain I love him and feels frustrated that I never said it, he knows that from the way we looked at each other when we have sex. And it is best to end things now before it is too late.

Ladies , I dont know about about you but I have hardly ever heard so much nonsense all at once.

At the end I confessed that I was starting to devellop some feelings and that it was going to be easier now that he was out of my life. He was astounded.
He was seriously starting to flirt with me but I was feeling like vomiting. Dude ! break up with me or dont break up with me but stop trying to get into my pants ! This body is no longer your play area.
At 4 am I asked him to leave and he was all charming and flirty again.
I thanked him for all the good time he had given me over 15 months and told him to please get thefuck out. He tried to kiss me at the door but kissed my hand instead. What a pity ! I had really liked him in bed.
There you go, lesson learned. I will never let another man anywhere near my heart again.
I have no regrets for this has been a truely beautiful connection and it has serve an important purpose, I did not know I coul still feel those things.... It was worse it.

Am I hurt ? My pride is.
Do I feel weird ? Yeah I feel so stupid for allowing things that didnt belong to a sex friendship.
Do I have  any regrets ? None.