Oops I almost did it again ! Ever since I have been so impressed with the tons of absolutely fabulous sex that incredible bloke gives me, I decided to re experience keeping myself monogamous ! So satisfied am I , that I keep turning everyone down, I feel no desire for anyone else at the moment because he is extraordinary enough to keep me interested in him only, right now.
However !
I should know better by now. Each time I have been trying to be a good girl, it bits me in the bum. For a while I have been dating him exclusively and I loved it, there is this revitalising energy that sparkles through our bodies when we touch and it fills me so much that I carry this glow for days and days. When we talk on the phone or chat on webcam, I find myself giggling like a school girl and a cute email on my blackberry in the morning is enough to make me smile and have fantastic shag flashbacks. This came naturally, I didn't even have to force myself to feel this way.
Till this morning....... I got a wake up call.
We were having a romantic sexy bubble bath when he casually dropped that even if I wanted to have unprotected sex now he would have to say no to me.
WTF ??? I wondered. I haven't asked anything.
By the way , he said, I have a lover in Geneva that I see on weekends and we are doing it bareback.
I nearly jumped out of the bath tub but he grabbed me and held me tight, while explaining between kisses and caresses that it has nothing to do with us, she is the day part of his life and I am the dark secret. She is all the serious tedious stuff and I am pure pleasure.
Obviously, since he wanted bareback sex and I refused it to him, he jumped on the first slut who accepted the offer I had turned down. It doesn't mean I should compromise my values just out of fears he might dip it elsewhere. And I don't regret not giving in. But I do wish he hadn't told me about this.
This was his way of apologising and I accepted it as such but I don't understand why he had to tell me this crap while we are making love. I almost got out of the tub several times but he kept shagging me while explaining and reasoning and analysing our sex friendship. Until I ordered :
Shut the fuck up and do me already !
He had no idea that I was being monogamous with him and was flabbergasted.
Why ? why me ? he wanted to know.
Because you are the only man who is good enough for me since the last man I have loved.
He never asked for this, if he had I would have declined, but this was my decision and I had no agenda at all. It just felt good, that's all. I have fond memories of most of the people I have slept with.
Some I will always love, some I miss terribly, some were unique and magical like the gorgeous man I spend a night in Paris with, ages ago. or that lawyer who looked like a young Mickey Rourke, or that beautifull translater who never spoke to me ever again although our offices are 10 minutes apart.
A couple of them I do wish I could unfuck.
All this to tell you how rare it is for me to give someone exclusivity. And I end up being cheated on !
I know I have no right at all to complain but I do find it ironic that every time I decide to be a good girl... the universe bites me in the bum.
Are we going to keep seeing each other ? ( on my terms) How comfortable would I be ? Am I gonna snap out of this stupid feeling ? Why do I even mind ? Should I be more distant ? Should I forbid myself to let a lover get too close for comfort ? I don't want to feel that vulnerable !
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