I was reminded of how love feels

Lately,  I have been reminded of how it feels to be in love.
The horrible parts were all the frustrastions, the untold truth, the secrets, the fears, the stress, the lies, the questioning, the mind battling, who is whom, who dominates, who is the dominee, the power struggle , the complications and the vulnarability.
The wonderful parts were to feel so comfortable with someone, to have the feeling I was fusing with him. I heard someone said that making love is when two people become one, and that was exactly what I was feeling. The familliarity, the private jokes, the incridible intimacy, being unafraid of showing myself emotionally naked even if I knew he would stub me in the back again, someday. The amount of tolerance and forgiving it takes to allow a man in my life had not been clear to me in years. Forgiving him for bitchy comments or weird actions just because I knew I was safe with him anyway. Putting a distance between us and giving him the cold shoulder each time he got on my nerves and watch him campaign to get back into my pants, was also a lot of fun. But what has impressed me the most is how he gave himself to me so completely, without limits ot taboos. I did not reciprocate because.... I just refuse to give my body so totally but whatever I denied him physically I made up for in emotions. We never fucked, not even the first time, we made love always, always. We locked on to each other's gaze while making love and even while making out and that is when sex became sacred again. I spent the last 15 years of my life desacralising sex because I wanted to keep it for my last man  and the power of it terrified me.
Yet, that young skinny white boy from eastern  Germany rocked my world on and off from september 2010 to January 2012. I did not even realise this was a relationship until it was too late, I found myself writing  about other men I slept with ( yes I was not faithful, I am after all the boss of my sexlife ! ) but suddenly, I could not publish about our dates anymore, I wanted to keep it private, just for me. Just for us.
It took a boy, who is not even my type of man, to gently force such a connection upon me.
To remind me of what loving sex is. Indeed I will humbly admit that sex with love is a nearly divine experience and I am grateful that I could be reminded of it.
When he 'd kiss me I could hear Michael Jackson sing, during our love making I even heard Church hymns sometimes. I struggled so hard against my feelings for him and so was he.
We never wanted this, it just happened.
My goodbye  present to Martin was to say that I LOVE YOU,  but I only admited  it because this was the last conversation we will ever have and he wont be able to do anything with that love.
It was a humbling and very emotional experience and I have no regrets at all, Loving sex is sacred, it is the St Graal of sex and Im so very happy to have known this once more. He was so worth it.

However, I still dont want it in my life because once again for  this  price is too high to pay. Sacred sex, magical love making that gave me tsunamis of emotional multi orgasms as well as physical ones is simply too much for me to handle. It is uncontrolable and irreplacable. I am not getting over my ex lover by getting under someone else straight away, I am going to enjoy the exquisite pains of love leaving my heart while lingering in my soul and cherishing that knowlege.
Martin did not break my heart, in fact he gave me wonderful closure and I am at peace with the memory of us, of what was,  and what might have been , had circumstances been different.
My next lovers are going to be one night stands or fuckbuddies only. I never want to go through this again, there is a reason why I live my life the way I do, and once again love kicked my butt. Give me time to recover and I will be the boss more than ever. : D
I might even use that pain to write a novel , lol

My german shagbuddy broke up with me ! WTF ?

Martin and I have been enjoying meeting secretly for evenings of fabulous romantic dreamlike love making for 2  months and a half now. I texted him yesterday about something casual and he came running saying I am quite transparent, he knew that if I text him it means I must need him.
Need him ? Does'nt he mean want to shag him ?
Last night he was acting a little differently, he hadnt shaved and he jumped me straight  away, so not like him.
However we were soon rolling over on my bed, kissing passionately ( ahhh the way he kisses !!!!) the magic was on again, he was cupping my head with his left  hand, had his right arm around my waist , he was gazing into my eyes, whispering how beautiful this was....so schöne....It was perfect !
And I allowed myself to think this was exactly what I wanted, it cant get any better. And this magical kissing again.......the thought of it.
At some point I gave him a fabulous blow job but when he got back on top SPLASH !!!! he came too soon and I had it all over my thorax , some landed on the right side of my face ! Yuck !
He smiled  that funny crooked smile of his...oops sorry ! I wiped that mess and saw his manhood go limp again. Sigh ...
He held me close to his heart, held me so tight for so long I should have known  some serious back stubbing was going to happen.
He was caressing my back slowly, he was playing with my hair, he was kissing my neck, he was whispering sweet nothings in my ears, everything was as it should be....I was in no way prepared for what was coming.
He started to get dressed and I was teasing him with little kisses on his neck and I even got him to lay  down on my bed again. My cat came up to say hello and Martin started to pet her.
Suddenly he said : I cant do this anymore.
I misunderstood and thought  I wasnt not getting laid anymore tonight because he cant get it up again.
Then he said something that set my inner alarm  off :
-I dont want to hurt you.
Generally when people say that it means they are going to  try to hurt you.
It went like this :
M- we cant go on like this
C- what do u mean liebling ?
M- This is too much, its not a one night stand anymore.
C-So its a several night stand, I believe the word you are looking for is shag buddies, we are shag buddies thats all, you are thinking way too much .
M-We kiss so much and so deeply, we make love so closely, you cant get enough of me and its confusing me, in here ( pointing to his heart)
C-I cant get enough of your body when it is inside mine , yeah but this is purely sexual. When I have sex I really get into the moment , just like when I eat chocolate I close my eyes and really enjoy that moment, its about savouring thats all, nobody is going to fall in love here, stop worrying about nothing.
M-Thats the point, when we make love its so incredibly good and we get so intimate and so close, dont you think its a little weird doing something so profound outside a loving bond ?
M- come on Martin we are having  fun, I got great times to give you, without any complications or strings attached, what more could you want ?
M-I dont want to have just fun I want to be loved, I want a woman for life.
C-Did we not agree on no relationship from day 1 ? U want one now ????
M-No I dont want a relationship. I want a soul mate.
C-A what ? All I have to give you is fabulous sex, tons of it.
M- I know, but  I just want to have that kind of sex with the woman who will be my soul mate.
C- you wanna deprive yourself of great sex for someone you dont even know?
M-No I am gonna have sex with lots of others till I find her but not the kind of sex we have, I just think such deep intimate love making should only take place between 2 people who love each other thats all. I want sex but not like this, its too good, its too much.
C-I have known the kind of love you are dreaming of, and its beautiful beyond description, however the price of it is extremely high, and when this love gets yanked  out of your heart as it always does , one way or another, the pain is excruciating, thats why I decided to quit love, it hurts too much. 
M-look that thing we have is no longer just fucking, we have reached a point where we either develop a relationship or we break up. I decided that we need to break up because its going too far. The next time I feel this, I want it to mean something, not fun, not casual dating.
C-......................
M-say something.
C-.....................
M-its ok if you want to cry.
C-......................
M-Promess me that you are not gonna cry.
C-Dude, why should I cry, it is you who is making a Greek tragedy, not me. I think its pretty silly to lose all this for an illusion, you could have been my shagbuddy for years without any official involvment till you found somebody. Too bad.
M-Look Im so confused, maybe we should have a break so that I can work out what I want, or maybe we should just breakup. but I cant carry on like this.
you need to chuck me out and get mad at me.
C-Nah its ok, Im just not gonna call you anymore till you make a move.

He told my cat he was going to  miss her, the silly bitch broke up with my cat too!
I remained ladylike and kissed him goodbye as I opened the door.

Goodness me ! have you ever heard of anything that ridiculous ?
Stupid German boy missing out of lots of hot sex for no real reason, settling for ordinary sex so that it doesnt get too much for him. pffffff
However I wasnt gonna give him the power to have me waiting , Hell no !
I texted him later and wrote : it was beautiful between us but you are right, we must stop now.

There !  that will show the bitch how to work out what he wants.

This has happened to me before, countless times and it still annoys me. Most of my shaggbuddies always give me an ultimatum, relationship or break up.
I cant believe I got dumped without having a relationship to be chucked out of.

I still maintain this is extremely stupid, my friend MN, a man whose opinion I value ,says that a lot of men are more sensitive than we think. My son to whom I said it happened to a friend ,( without the gory details,) said he has many friends who say this to girls just to watch them plead and sometimes its because they want to force a relationship on the girl.
What says you ?
I am still too fuming to think clearly.
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