I was reminded of how love feels

Lately,  I have been reminded of how it feels to be in love.
The horrible parts were all the frustrastions, the untold truth, the secrets, the fears, the stress, the lies, the questioning, the mind battling, who is whom, who dominates, who is the dominee, the power struggle , the complications and the vulnarability.
The wonderful parts were to feel so comfortable with someone, to have the feeling I was fusing with him. I heard someone said that making love is when two people become one, and that was exactly what I was feeling. The familliarity, the private jokes, the incridible intimacy, being unafraid of showing myself emotionally naked even if I knew he would stub me in the back again, someday. The amount of tolerance and forgiving it takes to allow a man in my life had not been clear to me in years. Forgiving him for bitchy comments or weird actions just because I knew I was safe with him anyway. Putting a distance between us and giving him the cold shoulder each time he got on my nerves and watch him campaign to get back into my pants, was also a lot of fun. But what has impressed me the most is how he gave himself to me so completely, without limits ot taboos. I did not reciprocate because.... I just refuse to give my body so totally but whatever I denied him physically I made up for in emotions. We never fucked, not even the first time, we made love always, always. We locked on to each other's gaze while making love and even while making out and that is when sex became sacred again. I spent the last 15 years of my life desacralising sex because I wanted to keep it for my last man  and the power of it terrified me.
Yet, that young skinny white boy from eastern  Germany rocked my world on and off from september 2010 to January 2012. I did not even realise this was a relationship until it was too late, I found myself writing  about other men I slept with ( yes I was not faithful, I am after all the boss of my sexlife ! ) but suddenly, I could not publish about our dates anymore, I wanted to keep it private, just for me. Just for us.
It took a boy, who is not even my type of man, to gently force such a connection upon me.
To remind me of what loving sex is. Indeed I will humbly admit that sex with love is a nearly divine experience and I am grateful that I could be reminded of it.
When he 'd kiss me I could hear Michael Jackson sing, during our love making I even heard Church hymns sometimes. I struggled so hard against my feelings for him and so was he.
We never wanted this, it just happened.
My goodbye  present to Martin was to say that I LOVE YOU,  but I only admited  it because this was the last conversation we will ever have and he wont be able to do anything with that love.
It was a humbling and very emotional experience and I have no regrets at all, Loving sex is sacred, it is the St Graal of sex and Im so very happy to have known this once more. He was so worth it.

However, I still dont want it in my life because once again for  this  price is too high to pay. Sacred sex, magical love making that gave me tsunamis of emotional multi orgasms as well as physical ones is simply too much for me to handle. It is uncontrolable and irreplacable. I am not getting over my ex lover by getting under someone else straight away, I am going to enjoy the exquisite pains of love leaving my heart while lingering in my soul and cherishing that knowlege.
Martin did not break my heart, in fact he gave me wonderful closure and I am at peace with the memory of us, of what was,  and what might have been , had circumstances been different.
My next lovers are going to be one night stands or fuckbuddies only. I never want to go through this again, there is a reason why I live my life the way I do, and once again love kicked my butt. Give me time to recover and I will be the boss more than ever. : D
I might even use that pain to write a novel , lol