Careful what we wish for

I think I might have been granted a wish yesterday.
Often I have thanked the Lord for this beautiful connection to Martin, aka shagbuddie number one and regularly I wished that I could distance myself from him emotionaly, this was going too far. His words began to matter and sex with him began to mean something. Not very apropriate for someone so proud to be the boss of her sexlife, right ?
We did not see each other for over 5 weeks and only spoke on the phone a couple of times. I was really missing him and at the same time wishing that the spell he put on me could somehow be broken. Last time he rang I did mention that he was welcome to call anytime, if he needed to talk, I hardly ever sleep anyway. After a complete silence for nearly 2 weeks, imagine my surprise when my phone rang at 2 am !
I was so tired that night, I had attended a seminar in Geneva and returned home at midnight. I fed my cat and jumped into bed, planning to grab 5 hours of sleep before catching an early train to Lugano for another seminar. Television as usual had nothing exciting on, so I closed my eyes around 1 am, willing myself to sleep with the help of my loving cat's purring.
She and I both jumped up as the phone squealed really loud in the midle of the night. It was Martin !
-Ciao, he said, I need to see you, are you awake ?
-Yeah, I mumbled sleepishly, how are you feeling these days ?
-Can I come and see you ?
-??????????????? Now ?
-You said that...
-I know what I said, of course you can, I answered, but not long because I got to get up at 5.30 am
-Oh man, that means you should be sleeping.
I thought about it for a minute and declared :
- Fuck sleeping, come on over.
-Are you sure you dont need to sleep a litle ? ( Hypocrite ! )
-I have missed you, I do miss you, even my cat misses you. Come over now.
And he came.
At first it was awkward, as I had no idea what to expect and how to handle Martin. Did he seek comfort ? Was he missing my embrace ? Should I offer him good sex or a cup of camomilla tea with pain killers ?
He is totally healed, with only a couple of slight scars left. That was fast, but he said it takes a lot to take him down since he has a very hard head .
I mentioned  Im a stuben hard head too and he went on about everything having a limit and even tough hard heads can break at some point.
I served him a glass of water and he was horrified, he gave me a long ecologist speech about boycotting bottled water and drinking tap water only because of this and that.
Oh dear , was it gonna be a boring conversation night ?
Martin held me close and whispered : I need tenderness tonight.
It occured to me that I had not created a romantic atmosphere and I was still in my Snoopy night shirt. Oops !
What did he expect at this time anyway ? I was only half awake.
Still, we sat and cuddled, my cat played with him for a while and went back into her basket to snore happily. We cuddled some more, talking about what had happened to him. I worried that his fall had taken place while we were texting, as that would make me feel guilty but he swears he cant remember a thing. Everything was nice and cuddly till he started kissing me passionately.
I was prepared to see the stars and it was an eclipse.
His mouth felt different last night and his kiss definitely did not make my head spin. I refused to believe this was hapening and kissed him some more to see if I would feel anything.
Nothing.
Nada.
Rien.
Niente.
His kisses, his loving glances, his wonderful touch, it was all there but the magic was missing. Where was the magic last night ?
On one hand I was so happy to have him back in my bed, I had missed him so.
But on the other hand.......I was wondering what he was doing here.
He had not slept in 24 hours, I imagine he must have been drinking since he stopped taking pain meds. I was beyond tired. He noticed I had not come and he wasnt pleased about it.
How embarassing !
I lied that I had but he knows my body too well.
He, however, did have a good time but Im not sure it was as magical for him as it had been all the times before.
Around 4 am, I felt like talking him into either sleeping or leaving. I wanted to talk but the words just wouldnt come out.
We played and played and he came at the exact time my alarm clock rang !
5.30 am.
Since I had to go soon, I  showered quickly and when I returned to my bedroom Martin was fully dressed  saying that now he felt better and was rushing  home to sleep. I cheekily asked if he would wait for ten minutes and walk me to my car. His answer was :
-Nope.
-What ? Did I hear that right ?
-No,  you are on your own.
What the fxxx ?
To my relief this did not hurt at all.
-I am not afraid to be on my own, I hissed, I know I am on my own, but you are here anyway, I have to go, so how about you walk me to the bloody parking lot and to my car, I might even give you a lift if you like.
He giggled some more and charmed his way out of it. He tapped his right temporal lobe and smiled that he is not fully recovered yet and sometimes acts funny.
( Doesnt he mean like a cold selfish son-of-bitch ? )
We kissed some more till he got into the lift and he did not even feel that my heart was not in it.  I blew him an air kiss goodbye.
As I closed the door behind me and went to the kitchen to serve my cat her breakfast I was pondering what had happened.
He comes in at 2am, gives me weird talk and a completely useless shag that was not worth losing sleep over. He knows Im going to work right now without any rest or sleep at all because of him and he cannot even wait ten minutes to walk me to the blooming parking lot ?
What a plonker !
I am not even angry, disapointed or hurt.
His words stopped having any weight for me, what a blessing !
It was about time that east German kid got out of my head.
I have wished for this, I have wanted this. I just did not know this would actually happen do quickly.
I have officially gone off Martin , yay !
This time we lasted seven months. I have no regrets for it was delicious, dangerous, crazy, gentle, tender and romantic.
But I do regret allowing him to get to me that much.
There we go, lesson learned.
Yoohoo I am once again in full control of my emotions. Screw emotions !
Screw feelings and screw compromises !
It feels so good being the boss of my sexlife !

The price of sexual freedom

Since shagbuddie number one has had an accident and wallows in self pity like the insecure weakling he is, he wont let me anywhere near him. Crying shame if you ask me but it does not mean that I should close my legs for as long as it takes him to decide it is safe to go back to the bad girl. In the meantime...... I have had a couple of hot one night stands with handsome strangers and a couple of hot sexy encounters with shagbuddie number two. However sexy and satisfying that it was....I cannot find the feeling of being treasured and wanted. I miss the adoring glances and the magical touch and gentle kissing of shagbuddie number one.
Is that the price to pay for my freedom ?
Settling for really hot sex without magic ? Is that the price to pay for my peace of mind, so I wont even be tempted to lose control and do something stupid like letting a man into my heart ?
I guess it is.
And although I have loved melting and fusing with Martin time and time again. Feeling these butterflies in my stomach is just not worth it.

why are men so scared to be seen bruised ?

Shagbuddy number one had been silent for a while and I wondered why. I have been very busy lately, replacing colleagues and doing my own work. I had not noticed the lack of communication. But when I felt like seeing him and he did not call back I thought something felt off. I texted him again and that is when he told me he had been in an accident. He spent a couple of days in intensive care and was ok now. Ok, with tons of stiches over his many wounds, a head concussion and pain in every single part of his body. I was sorry to hear that.
When I asked him why he had not called me, he answered that he was so much in pain that he just could not think of calling his mother or....a friend. ( I guess that would be me ). He was in pain as we were talking and talked a lot about how bad he was hurting, I explained that 4 years ago I had been very sick for a summer and the pain was so overwhelming that it was taking up the place of everything else in my life, the pain left no room for compassion, politeness or even decency. I told him that and he seemed to understand.
When I asked if I could help in anyway, if I could come see him, he sighed that he just wanted some peace and quiet. I thought I might make him some healing tea or help with his therapy or read him a book. Little things you do for sick friends. But he reiterated that he needs peace and quiet because all he ever does is taking pain meds and doze off to sleep in the midle of a sentence. He hinted that he looked nothing like the man I date, he walks around on with sticks and his face is so swollen and blue that little kids are scared when they see him. Who cares about that ? Why does he feel he can only show himself to me when he looks perfect ? Most men are terrified to show women that they can be hurt.
Who said a man has to be on top condition all the time anyway ?
Sure I am attracted to his bad boy charm and I like his normal looks but this doesnt mean I cannot be nice to a shagbuddy at a dark time of his life.
So he decided that it is ok to call him when he is awake but he wont show me his broken face and bruised body.
How silly can men ego be anyway ?
Can someone explain to me why men are so afraid to show themselves to the women they date when they are battered and bruised ?
Dont they know that our maternal instinct would kick in ?