My crasy night with Jekyll and Hyde

My east german shagbuddy and I had been tiptoeing around each other all week. Yesterday I knew he would come and I turned down three hot  men whom I know to be fabulous lovers who are free of complications because I wanted my fucked up drama queen. There he was, on fire. He just jumped out of his clothes and practically run to my bedroom. He had been wanting this since last sunday but I wasnt free when he was and he had been off drinking when I was. But there we were now, Martin admired my new red beddings that matched my red gstring and at first we kissed and cuddled slowly and romantically for long moments filled with sensuous desire and.....no wood. He admited he was recovering from a hangover and that affected his erectile function. ( If he knows drinking shots tempers his erections, then why does he keep on drinking ? ) I purred that it didnt matter and that we can make each other happy anyway. And we did  !
He kissed my feet and sucked my toes till my head was almost spinning and asked if a man had ever done that to me, I said once but not as good as he does. He kissed and cupped every inch of me and we rolled over a few times laughing.
He got back on top of me and said that this really was my favourite position, I replied that yes I love that position but I also like it when Im on top or when he is on the side or when we are sitting up or when we.
Martin, cupped  my head and asked pointblank :
 You in love with me ? right ?
I stared back totally speechless.
Maybe a little bit in love with me ?  ja ?
Why would you say that ? I asked, trying to gain time, not knowing what to say.
You look at me that way and you love it when we have sex,  you get so  out of control.
So that's how men measure girls love ? We really are different species !
You look at me the same way and you also love having sex with me so does that mean that you ?
Are you in love with me ?
Martin shut me off with some hard french kissing till I could barely breathe.
What was I supposed to say ? " I could love you but you are a  fucked up, complicated, complex, compelling, annoying east german drama queen ?  "
I worked hard to fall out of love with him and I finally get to enjoy him on my terms. About six weeks ago he once said I didnt actually have him so why does he start a discussion about love that he is not capable of finishing ? It would have been rude to say no, it would have scared him away if I had said yes. Why did he put me on the spot like that ? Is he too dumb to understand love terrifies me ?
After this weird non discussion about love, he went from romantic to insane mode. He had a smoke on my balcony, stark naked. Did he not feel the cold ? Hopefully no one was at their window at one am. As he returned to bed he asked if he could take his pillows (my breasts)  home with him, I giggled and he began to fondle them and kiss them, and fondle them more until he was frantically squeezing them as if he really wanted to detach them. His kisses did not feel like kisses at all, it was as he was trying to devour me and  suffocate me at the same time. He would come up for air asking who needs air anyway and dive back down on me. I couldnt move as  he was pinning me to the bed almost agressively. That was not enjoyable at all. I barely recognised the sweet lover that had asked me if I loved him half an hour before. This was a raw  Cro Magnon who was brutally taking what he wanted and ignored my complaining nos. At some point he left the bedroom. He returned fully dressed to say he had thought of sleeping here but would be going home after all, and he wanted me to think of him.
Say what ?
Somehow that turned me on and I just pulled him back on my bed with all his clothes on.
Bad idea.
By now he was in full  Neanderthalian  mode and just jumped on me, twisting, biting and groping brutally, biting my neck painfully , bruising my breasts and thighs.
I hated what he was doing to me but at the same time I couldnt bear to let him go !
Martin  was treating me like his sex toy, like his rubber doll, and I was furious, shouting at him in french to let go of me. Paradoxally when he climbed  out of my body  and walked to the door , I run after him naked and held him tight in my arms.  He dropped his back pack and dragged me into  the living room where some more madness took place. Again I wanted him to leave because he was really hurting me but some unidentified part of me wanted him more and more even if it hurt.
Look at you, Martin sighed , You are besides yourself. I have never seen you like this.
Besides  myself ?  Im not the one biting and groping here.
I answered You have been dressed up for nearly an hour yet you cant seem to leave, why ?
His reaction was to kiss me up and down slowly gently, lovingly.
It felt surreal, this fully dressed giant on his knees kissing my naked body. Then we reversed roles and  he was moaning so loud that  I sincerely hoped all the neighbours were either out partying or deeply sleeping.  I stopped when Martin said it was hurting.
Hurting ? But you were almost coming ? How painful could it be ?
I know, that's so bizzare, it hurts but it feels good at the same time. I want it and I dont then I want it.
So he too had been feeling this ambivalence. Or maybe he is just bipolar.
Do you ever masturbate thinking of me ? Martin smiled.
No, I never masturbate.
What if I want  you to ?
I said no ! If you want any action with me, come here and we'll do it together. I insisted.
Hmmm sounds good to me, he flirted.
That night was getting weirder and weirder. Now I really wanted him to leave.
Kuss mich, ( kiss me) he ordered in a low intimate voice.
He stood so close with face inches away from mine, crazy love burning in his half closed eyes.
I complied and it was all going to start again when my achy body reminded me that I was dealing with Mister Hyde tonight. He needs to go now, I thought , while his long bony hands started to roughly explore my bruised body again.
What do you say when you want a man to leave ?
You ask him to stay.
Cheri, I whispered, stay here tonight , we can play some more then go to sleep and have morning sex....you like that dont you ? Come on stay, dont go....
Man's natural instinct to not do as he is asked kicked in and he left, after kissing me so hard I could barely breathe.
Once alone, I rolled up in a foetal position with my cat in my arms wondering what had happened here tonight. What should I feel ? Why did he do that ? Shall I see him again ? Will he realise how he acted ?
This morning I could barely get up. my body is covered in bruises, specially my breasts and there are some hematomas on my neck and jaw where he bit me. Is the dude crasy or was that a reaction to my not answering his question last night ? I truely dont understand what we did last night.

P.S.
One week later as I walked home from dinner in town, I noticed a man sitting on the street, listening to his Ipod. As I quickened my pace, the man got up and jumped on me ! Before getting too scared I realised it was Martin, stone drunk . almost falling down me while trying to kiss me. We walked hand in hand to a park and talked. This was his way to handle this was to overdrink as to not being accountable but I talked about it anyway. He was so embarrassed and couldn't explained his actions, I said if it ever happens again I will never talk to him ever again, he noded silently and we sealed with a kiss.

How to Have Great Sex With a Wonderful Guy Without Falling in Love - wikiHow

How to Have Great Sex With a Wonderful Guy Without Falling in Love - wikiHow

How to Love Being Single and Not in a Relationship - wikiHow

How to Love Being Single and Not in a Relationship - wikiHow

I feel so much better to be free of love !

Indeed ! Yours truely feels lighter and so very relieved to have escaped the tyrannie of love.
Since I pulled that little stunt with my german sexfriend, I have hardly given him a thought, turned him down once and had a couple of great rolls in the hay with another two newbies. I attended a festival and a few professional events, spent time with my familly and cought up on my favourite shows while my cat supported me by purring endlessly in my arms. Its so wonderful not to have a man on my mind , I have gone back to being the boss of not only my sexlife but of my life in general. Additionally I was able to concentrate on work and totally give myself to a brand new project that's very dear to me. Yes ladies... I am pleased to announce....drum rolls....that I have actually finished writing my book ! Of course the real work starts now, there is some editing to do and some administration work involved , but I will let you know how it goes. In fact , the creation and completion of a book feels almost as good as really good sex ! who knew ? I guess I must have , lol.
This week I had been thinking of Volker with very nice shag flashbacks and was tempted to call him but I resisted the urge and just pushed him out of my mind. Surprisingly , it had not been very hard to do.  Last night Volker poped in my head again and I pushed him away, I went on my balcony to do some writing when who called ? That's right.
It turns out he had been thinking of me too yesterday.
But he did not resist calling me, I told him that I too was thinking of him, he was in one of the most romantic outdoor bars of zurich and was wondering if he should come see me or not. I went cocky and said to ring twice when he will come. Did he think I would talk him into coming ? I might have if I were in love but being lovefree means he has no power over me. How cool is that ?
I quickly pimped up my bedroom and made myself pretty. My east german fuckbuddy turned up smiling and happy to see me.  I had hardly closed the door that we were making out like a teenage couple. He did his best to remind me why I like him so much. We undressed slowly as we rolled over my bed, panting and moaning. He went ballistic when he kissed my feet in their new sexy high heeled red sandals. He cupped my face and kept  kissing  me sensously while we made love three times. I felt as if I was growing wings and flying. All throughout our frolics I just kept giving my body  to Volker and avoided thinking altogether. I enjoyed every move, savoured every moment but I kept my heart to myself and did not let it take part in our sexgames.
At some point my lover came so hard he fell on top of  me and slept.  My cat jumped on the bed and Volker naturally rolled on his side to put one arm around her and one around my hips. It was so lovely to have my darling cat purring her whiskers off, comfortably between us. How can I  describe how beautiful this felt ?  Yet I kept my focus of not losing my heart to him  instead  I have reached a point where I can fully participate in the joy of talking to him, laughing with him, climaxing with him even sleeping with him while my cat purrs in his arms.  I can melt with Volker without falling desperately in love with him. All the best of loving someone without the pains of it. Since Im not constantly analysing what he says or what he does, I can relax and be my cheery smily self and that reminds him why he was attracted to me in the first place.
When he went home at 2am , we kissed endlessly by the door, in front of the lift and on top of the stairs. He had a hard time unglueing  himself off my body. I watched him walk down the street and he was practically dancing ! So cute ! Im so pleased to have all this without enduring love.

How to fall out of love.

My good friend M told me that, in his opinion ,I was  falling in love with Volker and in denial about it. A lady reader wrote to me that it was showing her that at least I wasnt becoming a robot, another lady suggested I give it a try to see how far it could go since exposing oneself belongs to the territory of relationships. Well M and some lady readers.... I admit I was starting to devellop some strong feelings for Volker, which is why his words were affecting me. When you are in love with someone, you are in fact giving them an open invitation to hurt you at will, anytime they please. A happily  married friend of mine revealed that her husband knew how to push her buttons and could destroy her easily , should he chose to, but she trusts him to be a decent man who wont do such a thing, knowing her husband I know that he is a really good man and she is safe with him. So yes I was falling slowly, dangerously in love and starting to feel the downs as well as the ups of this state. But trusting ? Exposing myself ? Depending emotionally on someone ?
Aw hell no !
This is not how I want to live. I love being the boss of my sexlife, I enjoy being the boss of my everyday life in general. I love not being accountable to one man for anything, I love being balanced and independant, I love being able to make decisions on the spot regarding work or leisure without consulting. I love waking up alone with my cat in my arms, beauty cream on my face and wollen socks on my feet without having to pretend to look perfect all the time. Cooking pasta all week if I so desire and scoffing some fatty dessert at 2am in front of a Pedro Almodovar or Quantin Tarantino dvd are perks of a single woman that I dont wish to lose. Reading till late or having a long soak in the bath without being told to come to bed because its late, are privileges. Do I ever feel lonely ? No I never feel lonely, I have familly and friends I can reach out to. Do I need constant compagnionship ? Nooooo it would drive insane in the long run. Like all of you, I have good and bad moments but I love my life the way it is, I have worked hard to become independant and refuse to risk losing this.
After a period od denial, yes M you were right as usual, I thought about it long and hard and decided that I needed to fall out of love with Volker. Sleeping around with lots of other men wasnt working because I would immediately think of him afterwards. How did I manage ? By immersing myself into my work and always keeping my head busy, I forbade myself to call him and went for swims or read lenghty complicated novels in order to always have something else on my mind. The more I was missing him the more I avoided contact, easy to do since this is the festival season and he was probably attending lots of concerst after work. I talked to a couple of friends, meditated a lot, went a couple of garden parties and nearly drawned into paperwork. Then on monday I arranged to see Igor, my favourite shagbuddy. I enjoyed him to the full and loved his no nonsense attitude, reminded me of who I am. On wednesday I run into a man I had a major crush on a couple of years ago... didnt feel a thing. By thursday I felt strong enough to make contact with Volker but how could I do that without sounding clingy or needy ?
I took a pic of my breast in a black lacy bra and texted it to him without a word.
His reaction was immediate.
-Lovely ! What are their names ?
-We are the breasts of your secret lover.
-Lol, sublime !
-We would be happy to feel your large hands and sexy mouth on us and on Chantal again sometimes.
-I cant this week, I have musicians friends coming over and we are gonna jam.
-Nice, Im going to Interlaken this weekend anyway, I was just having erotic thoughts of you, have fun.
-You have fun too. 
There ! I had reminded him of how sexy and how funny I can be, I hadnt said anything lovy and showed that I had a life with or without him. Now the ball was in his camp but at least I had gotten some reaction from my east german cro magnon. The center was packed that day and I didnt get a chance to check my mobile until a couple of hours later. Imagine my surprise when I found 3 texts from Volker and a picture of his dick ! He had taken his pants down to photograph his manhood and wrote : This is how you make me feel. YAY ! He still wanted me after all. His texts were more of a monologue.
-I would love to fuck you right now if I wasnt at work.
-How about I come to your house at six o'clock ?
-No that wont work because Im picking my mates up at nine. But I would have loved to. No there wont be enough time.


I read his texts and wondered why he thought three hours wouldnt be long enough to have sex with me, get changed and meet his friends. I calmly answered
-thats ok because I am gonna be home before seven.
What do you think he wrote back ?
-Seven it is then.
If six o'clock would  not leave enough time, how would an hour less be better ?
Seven o'clock came, I was a little nervous to say the least. There he was. Standing in front of me, smiling, confidant, horny. We barely said a word, he kissed me romantically on the door step and practically undressed me in the hall. His jeans and shirt came off as we stumbled on my bed and there was the magic again. Part of me was ridiculously happy that Volker was back into my arms and the rest of me decided to just enjoy without doing any thinking. He gave his best last night, staring adoringly into my eyes while he was drawing circles in my body with his now very erected manhood. I taught him that, he has no idea that it is a black move but he knows I love it.  Cupping my head and whispering my name. Caressing my legs and planting small kisses on my feet. Compliments and sweet nothings. He was giving me everything he knows that drives me out of control. In fact I almost bit my lips a couple of times and turned my head away from his gaze as I felt like screaming I love you !!!!between moans and sighs. Whenever he was not looking at my eyes, I would look at him and repeat to myself  "you are just another fuckbuddy like Igor, nothing more."  After a wave of multi orgasms that shook him to the core, he fell on me and rested a while before turning on his side and marvelling  at me. He loves doing this post sex, just laying by my side, looking at me silently,  kissing my lips or  my hand, patting my back and smiling. These are times when I am disheveled, sweaty and  out of breath but I feel so beautiful and alive reflected in the loving eyes of my lover. I could feel myself falling for him all over again and I closed my eyes pretending to fall asleep when the loving stare was becoming unbearable.
Volker fell asleep holding me while I offered a silent thank you prayer to the Lord. Does that sound inapropriate ? What is wrong with two consenting adults making love . Does that sound weird ? I always consider a evening or a night of wonderful sex with a gorgeous stranger to be a gift from life so yes I said thank you for this special moment of happyness. I normally enjoy to cuddle up to my cro magnon when he sleeps but this time I forced myself to get up anf have a shower in order to take romantism and intimacy out of the equation. He was still sleeping when I returned to lay by his side and put my arms around him. Was I sure I wanted to break an emotional bond to him ? Oh yeah I was sure, I wont lose myself even for the sake of magical moments. Instead I would train to have both the beauty of our love making and then my peace of mind after he would close the door.
He made some noises and grabbed my hand, I knew he was awake when he turned around and showed off a really sizable erection. How did he manage to get so much wood ?  Had he been staring at the pic of my breasts all day ? Hmmm he was the perfect dream lover again for another hour at the end of which he exploded  so hard he was grunting and screaming. He roared like an animal and I felt quite proud to know that my body was causing this erotic madness.
Later he kept me in his arms for a nice long cuddle, telling me all about his musician friends come from east germany, their music room, their concerts and their plans. I wondered if he wasnt late to meet them and he revealed he told his friend he would be there around ten pm. Funny how men can always organize themsleves when they really want to get laid, isnit ?
We kissed passionately and instead of making goo goo eyes at him, I observed him as he explained about his music making computer and talked about a young trisomic neighbour of his. I observed coldly, looking for faults or silly mimics... nothing to complain about. Volker is handsome in a manly rugged
neandherthalian kind of way. Older looking that his thirty years. He does make silly faces when he wants to make a point or when he pretends to pout but this is in fact quite cute. Still not someone I cant entrust my heart to, he is a little unstable, lives like a hippy and doesnt have any real plan. Thats it ! Im not gonna fall in love with this man, but I will continue to love shagging him.....
When he got up to get dressed I didnt cling to him nor try to make him stay. We kissed some more by my front door, he kissed my cat goodnight too. As he left ,I felt good, satisfied and free ! What a feeling !
A smile on my face and a song in my heart.
I had unhooked myself of the man I had almost fallen in love with. There was however one final touch to add to my Volker weaning program, after showering again and tidying up I rang this brezilian guy who works late, he came running to my bed and we had a nice couple of romps. Why did I do this ? Simply because I wanted to see if I could. When Volker leaves, I linger around in bed, seek his scent on my pillows, cuddle my cat with my eyes closed reliving every second of our night together and fall asleep dreaming of him. Not this time I thought. The brazilian was quite entertaining, simple, easy to talk to, very uncomplicated, very brezilian. The anti thesis of Volker in fact. I wanted to see if I could have sex with another man without thinking of my german fuckbuddy... and I did. Even when I closed my eyes and pictured his face, it just wouldnt stay there. yay for brazilians ! Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now official.... I have fallen out of love with Volker W. and am now myself again.
Yay for me.