How to fall out of love.

My good friend M told me that, in his opinion ,I was  falling in love with Volker and in denial about it. A lady reader wrote to me that it was showing her that at least I wasnt becoming a robot, another lady suggested I give it a try to see how far it could go since exposing oneself belongs to the territory of relationships. Well M and some lady readers.... I admit I was starting to devellop some strong feelings for Volker, which is why his words were affecting me. When you are in love with someone, you are in fact giving them an open invitation to hurt you at will, anytime they please. A happily  married friend of mine revealed that her husband knew how to push her buttons and could destroy her easily , should he chose to, but she trusts him to be a decent man who wont do such a thing, knowing her husband I know that he is a really good man and she is safe with him. So yes I was falling slowly, dangerously in love and starting to feel the downs as well as the ups of this state. But trusting ? Exposing myself ? Depending emotionally on someone ?
Aw hell no !
This is not how I want to live. I love being the boss of my sexlife, I enjoy being the boss of my everyday life in general. I love not being accountable to one man for anything, I love being balanced and independant, I love being able to make decisions on the spot regarding work or leisure without consulting. I love waking up alone with my cat in my arms, beauty cream on my face and wollen socks on my feet without having to pretend to look perfect all the time. Cooking pasta all week if I so desire and scoffing some fatty dessert at 2am in front of a Pedro Almodovar or Quantin Tarantino dvd are perks of a single woman that I dont wish to lose. Reading till late or having a long soak in the bath without being told to come to bed because its late, are privileges. Do I ever feel lonely ? No I never feel lonely, I have familly and friends I can reach out to. Do I need constant compagnionship ? Nooooo it would drive insane in the long run. Like all of you, I have good and bad moments but I love my life the way it is, I have worked hard to become independant and refuse to risk losing this.
After a period od denial, yes M you were right as usual, I thought about it long and hard and decided that I needed to fall out of love with Volker. Sleeping around with lots of other men wasnt working because I would immediately think of him afterwards. How did I manage ? By immersing myself into my work and always keeping my head busy, I forbade myself to call him and went for swims or read lenghty complicated novels in order to always have something else on my mind. The more I was missing him the more I avoided contact, easy to do since this is the festival season and he was probably attending lots of concerst after work. I talked to a couple of friends, meditated a lot, went a couple of garden parties and nearly drawned into paperwork. Then on monday I arranged to see Igor, my favourite shagbuddy. I enjoyed him to the full and loved his no nonsense attitude, reminded me of who I am. On wednesday I run into a man I had a major crush on a couple of years ago... didnt feel a thing. By thursday I felt strong enough to make contact with Volker but how could I do that without sounding clingy or needy ?
I took a pic of my breast in a black lacy bra and texted it to him without a word.
His reaction was immediate.
-Lovely ! What are their names ?
-We are the breasts of your secret lover.
-Lol, sublime !
-We would be happy to feel your large hands and sexy mouth on us and on Chantal again sometimes.
-I cant this week, I have musicians friends coming over and we are gonna jam.
-Nice, Im going to Interlaken this weekend anyway, I was just having erotic thoughts of you, have fun.
-You have fun too. 
There ! I had reminded him of how sexy and how funny I can be, I hadnt said anything lovy and showed that I had a life with or without him. Now the ball was in his camp but at least I had gotten some reaction from my east german cro magnon. The center was packed that day and I didnt get a chance to check my mobile until a couple of hours later. Imagine my surprise when I found 3 texts from Volker and a picture of his dick ! He had taken his pants down to photograph his manhood and wrote : This is how you make me feel. YAY ! He still wanted me after all. His texts were more of a monologue.
-I would love to fuck you right now if I wasnt at work.
-How about I come to your house at six o'clock ?
-No that wont work because Im picking my mates up at nine. But I would have loved to. No there wont be enough time.


I read his texts and wondered why he thought three hours wouldnt be long enough to have sex with me, get changed and meet his friends. I calmly answered
-thats ok because I am gonna be home before seven.
What do you think he wrote back ?
-Seven it is then.
If six o'clock would  not leave enough time, how would an hour less be better ?
Seven o'clock came, I was a little nervous to say the least. There he was. Standing in front of me, smiling, confidant, horny. We barely said a word, he kissed me romantically on the door step and practically undressed me in the hall. His jeans and shirt came off as we stumbled on my bed and there was the magic again. Part of me was ridiculously happy that Volker was back into my arms and the rest of me decided to just enjoy without doing any thinking. He gave his best last night, staring adoringly into my eyes while he was drawing circles in my body with his now very erected manhood. I taught him that, he has no idea that it is a black move but he knows I love it.  Cupping my head and whispering my name. Caressing my legs and planting small kisses on my feet. Compliments and sweet nothings. He was giving me everything he knows that drives me out of control. In fact I almost bit my lips a couple of times and turned my head away from his gaze as I felt like screaming I love you !!!!between moans and sighs. Whenever he was not looking at my eyes, I would look at him and repeat to myself  "you are just another fuckbuddy like Igor, nothing more."  After a wave of multi orgasms that shook him to the core, he fell on me and rested a while before turning on his side and marvelling  at me. He loves doing this post sex, just laying by my side, looking at me silently,  kissing my lips or  my hand, patting my back and smiling. These are times when I am disheveled, sweaty and  out of breath but I feel so beautiful and alive reflected in the loving eyes of my lover. I could feel myself falling for him all over again and I closed my eyes pretending to fall asleep when the loving stare was becoming unbearable.
Volker fell asleep holding me while I offered a silent thank you prayer to the Lord. Does that sound inapropriate ? What is wrong with two consenting adults making love . Does that sound weird ? I always consider a evening or a night of wonderful sex with a gorgeous stranger to be a gift from life so yes I said thank you for this special moment of happyness. I normally enjoy to cuddle up to my cro magnon when he sleeps but this time I forced myself to get up anf have a shower in order to take romantism and intimacy out of the equation. He was still sleeping when I returned to lay by his side and put my arms around him. Was I sure I wanted to break an emotional bond to him ? Oh yeah I was sure, I wont lose myself even for the sake of magical moments. Instead I would train to have both the beauty of our love making and then my peace of mind after he would close the door.
He made some noises and grabbed my hand, I knew he was awake when he turned around and showed off a really sizable erection. How did he manage to get so much wood ?  Had he been staring at the pic of my breasts all day ? Hmmm he was the perfect dream lover again for another hour at the end of which he exploded  so hard he was grunting and screaming. He roared like an animal and I felt quite proud to know that my body was causing this erotic madness.
Later he kept me in his arms for a nice long cuddle, telling me all about his musician friends come from east germany, their music room, their concerts and their plans. I wondered if he wasnt late to meet them and he revealed he told his friend he would be there around ten pm. Funny how men can always organize themsleves when they really want to get laid, isnit ?
We kissed passionately and instead of making goo goo eyes at him, I observed him as he explained about his music making computer and talked about a young trisomic neighbour of his. I observed coldly, looking for faults or silly mimics... nothing to complain about. Volker is handsome in a manly rugged
neandherthalian kind of way. Older looking that his thirty years. He does make silly faces when he wants to make a point or when he pretends to pout but this is in fact quite cute. Still not someone I cant entrust my heart to, he is a little unstable, lives like a hippy and doesnt have any real plan. Thats it ! Im not gonna fall in love with this man, but I will continue to love shagging him.....
When he got up to get dressed I didnt cling to him nor try to make him stay. We kissed some more by my front door, he kissed my cat goodnight too. As he left ,I felt good, satisfied and free ! What a feeling !
A smile on my face and a song in my heart.
I had unhooked myself of the man I had almost fallen in love with. There was however one final touch to add to my Volker weaning program, after showering again and tidying up I rang this brezilian guy who works late, he came running to my bed and we had a nice couple of romps. Why did I do this ? Simply because I wanted to see if I could. When Volker leaves, I linger around in bed, seek his scent on my pillows, cuddle my cat with my eyes closed reliving every second of our night together and fall asleep dreaming of him. Not this time I thought. The brazilian was quite entertaining, simple, easy to talk to, very uncomplicated, very brezilian. The anti thesis of Volker in fact. I wanted to see if I could have sex with another man without thinking of my german fuckbuddy... and I did. Even when I closed my eyes and pictured his face, it just wouldnt stay there. yay for brazilians ! Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now official.... I have fallen out of love with Volker W. and am now myself again.
Yay for me.