Careful what we wish for

I think I might have been granted a wish yesterday.
Often I have thanked the Lord for this beautiful connection to Martin, aka shagbuddie number one and regularly I wished that I could distance myself from him emotionaly, this was going too far. His words began to matter and sex with him began to mean something. Not very apropriate for someone so proud to be the boss of her sexlife, right ?
We did not see each other for over 5 weeks and only spoke on the phone a couple of times. I was really missing him and at the same time wishing that the spell he put on me could somehow be broken. Last time he rang I did mention that he was welcome to call anytime, if he needed to talk, I hardly ever sleep anyway. After a complete silence for nearly 2 weeks, imagine my surprise when my phone rang at 2 am !
I was so tired that night, I had attended a seminar in Geneva and returned home at midnight. I fed my cat and jumped into bed, planning to grab 5 hours of sleep before catching an early train to Lugano for another seminar. Television as usual had nothing exciting on, so I closed my eyes around 1 am, willing myself to sleep with the help of my loving cat's purring.
She and I both jumped up as the phone squealed really loud in the midle of the night. It was Martin !
-Ciao, he said, I need to see you, are you awake ?
-Yeah, I mumbled sleepishly, how are you feeling these days ?
-Can I come and see you ?
-??????????????? Now ?
-You said that...
-I know what I said, of course you can, I answered, but not long because I got to get up at 5.30 am
-Oh man, that means you should be sleeping.
I thought about it for a minute and declared :
- Fuck sleeping, come on over.
-Are you sure you dont need to sleep a litle ? ( Hypocrite ! )
-I have missed you, I do miss you, even my cat misses you. Come over now.
And he came.
At first it was awkward, as I had no idea what to expect and how to handle Martin. Did he seek comfort ? Was he missing my embrace ? Should I offer him good sex or a cup of camomilla tea with pain killers ?
He is totally healed, with only a couple of slight scars left. That was fast, but he said it takes a lot to take him down since he has a very hard head .
I mentioned  Im a stuben hard head too and he went on about everything having a limit and even tough hard heads can break at some point.
I served him a glass of water and he was horrified, he gave me a long ecologist speech about boycotting bottled water and drinking tap water only because of this and that.
Oh dear , was it gonna be a boring conversation night ?
Martin held me close and whispered : I need tenderness tonight.
It occured to me that I had not created a romantic atmosphere and I was still in my Snoopy night shirt. Oops !
What did he expect at this time anyway ? I was only half awake.
Still, we sat and cuddled, my cat played with him for a while and went back into her basket to snore happily. We cuddled some more, talking about what had happened to him. I worried that his fall had taken place while we were texting, as that would make me feel guilty but he swears he cant remember a thing. Everything was nice and cuddly till he started kissing me passionately.
I was prepared to see the stars and it was an eclipse.
His mouth felt different last night and his kiss definitely did not make my head spin. I refused to believe this was hapening and kissed him some more to see if I would feel anything.
Nothing.
Nada.
Rien.
Niente.
His kisses, his loving glances, his wonderful touch, it was all there but the magic was missing. Where was the magic last night ?
On one hand I was so happy to have him back in my bed, I had missed him so.
But on the other hand.......I was wondering what he was doing here.
He had not slept in 24 hours, I imagine he must have been drinking since he stopped taking pain meds. I was beyond tired. He noticed I had not come and he wasnt pleased about it.
How embarassing !
I lied that I had but he knows my body too well.
He, however, did have a good time but Im not sure it was as magical for him as it had been all the times before.
Around 4 am, I felt like talking him into either sleeping or leaving. I wanted to talk but the words just wouldnt come out.
We played and played and he came at the exact time my alarm clock rang !
5.30 am.
Since I had to go soon, I  showered quickly and when I returned to my bedroom Martin was fully dressed  saying that now he felt better and was rushing  home to sleep. I cheekily asked if he would wait for ten minutes and walk me to my car. His answer was :
-Nope.
-What ? Did I hear that right ?
-No,  you are on your own.
What the fxxx ?
To my relief this did not hurt at all.
-I am not afraid to be on my own, I hissed, I know I am on my own, but you are here anyway, I have to go, so how about you walk me to the bloody parking lot and to my car, I might even give you a lift if you like.
He giggled some more and charmed his way out of it. He tapped his right temporal lobe and smiled that he is not fully recovered yet and sometimes acts funny.
( Doesnt he mean like a cold selfish son-of-bitch ? )
We kissed some more till he got into the lift and he did not even feel that my heart was not in it.  I blew him an air kiss goodbye.
As I closed the door behind me and went to the kitchen to serve my cat her breakfast I was pondering what had happened.
He comes in at 2am, gives me weird talk and a completely useless shag that was not worth losing sleep over. He knows Im going to work right now without any rest or sleep at all because of him and he cannot even wait ten minutes to walk me to the blooming parking lot ?
What a plonker !
I am not even angry, disapointed or hurt.
His words stopped having any weight for me, what a blessing !
It was about time that east German kid got out of my head.
I have wished for this, I have wanted this. I just did not know this would actually happen do quickly.
I have officially gone off Martin , yay !
This time we lasted seven months. I have no regrets for it was delicious, dangerous, crazy, gentle, tender and romantic.
But I do regret allowing him to get to me that much.
There we go, lesson learned.
Yoohoo I am once again in full control of my emotions. Screw emotions !
Screw feelings and screw compromises !
It feels so good being the boss of my sexlife !

The price of sexual freedom

Since shagbuddie number one has had an accident and wallows in self pity like the insecure weakling he is, he wont let me anywhere near him. Crying shame if you ask me but it does not mean that I should close my legs for as long as it takes him to decide it is safe to go back to the bad girl. In the meantime...... I have had a couple of hot one night stands with handsome strangers and a couple of hot sexy encounters with shagbuddie number two. However sexy and satisfying that it was....I cannot find the feeling of being treasured and wanted. I miss the adoring glances and the magical touch and gentle kissing of shagbuddie number one.
Is that the price to pay for my freedom ?
Settling for really hot sex without magic ? Is that the price to pay for my peace of mind, so I wont even be tempted to lose control and do something stupid like letting a man into my heart ?
I guess it is.
And although I have loved melting and fusing with Martin time and time again. Feeling these butterflies in my stomach is just not worth it.

why are men so scared to be seen bruised ?

Shagbuddy number one had been silent for a while and I wondered why. I have been very busy lately, replacing colleagues and doing my own work. I had not noticed the lack of communication. But when I felt like seeing him and he did not call back I thought something felt off. I texted him again and that is when he told me he had been in an accident. He spent a couple of days in intensive care and was ok now. Ok, with tons of stiches over his many wounds, a head concussion and pain in every single part of his body. I was sorry to hear that.
When I asked him why he had not called me, he answered that he was so much in pain that he just could not think of calling his mother or....a friend. ( I guess that would be me ). He was in pain as we were talking and talked a lot about how bad he was hurting, I explained that 4 years ago I had been very sick for a summer and the pain was so overwhelming that it was taking up the place of everything else in my life, the pain left no room for compassion, politeness or even decency. I told him that and he seemed to understand.
When I asked if I could help in anyway, if I could come see him, he sighed that he just wanted some peace and quiet. I thought I might make him some healing tea or help with his therapy or read him a book. Little things you do for sick friends. But he reiterated that he needs peace and quiet because all he ever does is taking pain meds and doze off to sleep in the midle of a sentence. He hinted that he looked nothing like the man I date, he walks around on with sticks and his face is so swollen and blue that little kids are scared when they see him. Who cares about that ? Why does he feel he can only show himself to me when he looks perfect ? Most men are terrified to show women that they can be hurt.
Who said a man has to be on top condition all the time anyway ?
Sure I am attracted to his bad boy charm and I like his normal looks but this doesnt mean I cannot be nice to a shagbuddy at a dark time of his life.
So he decided that it is ok to call him when he is awake but he wont show me his broken face and bruised body.
How silly can men ego be anyway ?
Can someone explain to me why men are so afraid to show themselves to the women they date when they are battered and bruised ?
Dont they know that our maternal instinct would kick in ?

no condom, no sex !

Last night I had a really unpleasant experience. I attended this jamaican party with a hottie who has been after me for months, I never had time for him until last night. I really wanted to go there with someone else but since the someone else had his nose right up in the air I decided I would wash that man right out of my hair and go on a date with another one. So far so good.
During the party , he wouldnt dance much because he was tired of a long week work, so was I but the music was just too wonderful to resist. Then he said he was saving his energy for me...at 39 ? I had already told him that im 50 and have no interest in a relationship, he was fine with that.
I showed him a couple of condoms and insisted that if something happened between us he had to wear condoms, otherwise it would not happen, he was fine with that too.
He kept pestering me about how much he wanted me and how hot his desire was and and and. Around 2 am, I gave in and we drove to my place.
Once in bed, I put a condom on him at a strategic time and he moaned about the condom being a little tight. Later on he moaned about the condom getting in the way of feeling everything. He moaned and moaned till he came. Afterwards he moaned some more about it and he fell asleep !
Since I know him to be a nice normal person, an informatician and not a thug, I let him sleep while my cat and I watched a movie.
A couple of hours later, he woke up and I naturally jumped on him because I loooove morning sex. What do you think happened ? The idiot tried to get inside without covering his manhood ! I quickly pulled out a condom and put it on him before he could go anywhere and we started doing it. I had not even began to enjoy myself that he was again complaining that it is way better without condoms ! After a moment he got out and took his condom off. That was my cue to get up and get dressed. Why dont men ever listen ?
I warned him, he accepted it and he bitched about it the entire time ? Is the dude retarded or doesnt he read the papers ?
To make matters worse he admitted he has a steady girlfriend he goes bareback with, so he knows the difference and by the way we need to be discreet because of her. I stayed calm and politely asked him to leave before I would vomit.
Dude !
Not only did the idiot lied to me by pretending he was ok using condoms, he tried to force me to change my mind AND he made me do something I totally disapprove of. He made me cheat on his girlfriend !
Had I known he was in a serious relationship I would not had given him a second look but he lied. Why do men lie constantly ?
Furthermore, his poor girlfriend trusts him enough to sleep with him without any protection and he wants to cheat on her bareback with  women he hardly knows ?
What if someday he does this with a women who carries an infection ?
His girlfriend would be infected too. Because of his stupidity.
All in all it was a very unpleasant sexperience that could have turned  nasty.
Ladies, when a new man tried to go bareback, there is no room for discussion.
Just say NO.
There are a few smart men out there who know they must cover up.
The whole thing has put me so off, I think I will take a week off sex or so, to get balance again. yuck !

hot hot hot

I rang his door bell and he opened his door wide with a large smile. He paused for a moment, looking at me as if I were a chocolate ice cream, puts a hand on the back of my neck and kisses me softly while I step in.
Taking my coat off, he plants a kiss on my back. I turned around and look at him, he reads my thoughts and lifts me up in his big strong arms. My legs jump up to wrap themselves around his narrow hips, my arms embracing his neck. He carries me slowly to his bedroom, kicks the door shut behind us, looks at me lovingly and carries me to his bed ever so gently. I never realised till tonight how much trust it requires to let a man pick you up and carry you in his arms. What if he throws you off the window ? What if he drops you brutally on the floor ? Why was I even having such morbid thoughts ?
My lover deposits me gently on his larger futton bed, straddles me and takes his shirt off. Never stopping eye contact, he starts peeling my red silk shirt off. I purposely wore one that has many buttons to undo. He loves it. My shirt is opened but he leaves it on, admiring my white lace bra. He slides my grey skirt off me, admires what he sees. He bends over and kisses me passionately.
We breathe together, we cant stop kissing, breathing in and out of each other's mouthes.
He asks would I like some cold sparkling water, I would. He returns from his kitchen with a glass of it and starts drinking. He cups my face with his long hands and kisses my mouth pouring that sparkling water into it. I drink this water straight from his lips, what a strange sensation.
He asks if I had done this before, I hadnt.
He slowly takes off my red stilettos and massage my feet sensously, asks if this tickles, it didnt. He licks my toes and put them in his mouth, never breaking eye contact. I am going crazy with what he is doing to me. He knows it.
We keep on making out heavily for over an hour till I cant resist anymore. I rip his boxer shorts off and practically impale myself on his manhood while he moans aloud and kneads my buttocks.
He gets back on top of me and I tell him how much I looove the weight of his body on mine. He tells me all that he loves about me , He loves the scent of my skin, the softness of my hair, the way candlelight cast dancy shadows on my body, he loves my french accent when I speak German, my feet, my breast, my... and my.... and also my ......He tells me all the things he loves about me and I can almost feel wings growing , thats how much he makes me feel, like I am flying. Suddenly a heavy weight jumps on his futton. His huge chocolate labrador was wondering what was going on,  " Not now Tommy, Daddy is very very busy right now. "
Tommy woofs and goes back into his huge basket after I pet him on the head.
I laughed so hard but he brings the magic back straight away by cupping my head and looking straight into my eyes while our hips are dancing samba. After we come together , I hide my face in his shoulder so that he doesnt see my tears of joy. That's how good it feels.
He falls asleep holding me tight, I love it. He snores sightly, I try not to fall asleep as I know that I would easily outsnore him.
I can see the round silver moon from his  window and I feel so gratefull for these hours of sheer happyness.
4 am, he moves a little and that's my cue to whisper to him that I got to go home. He turns around with his eyes still closed and gives me a soft kiss on the forehead and then on the lips. This is so tender and so romantic that it turns me on again. I kiss him back and reach for his bottom half. Now he is very much awake and gets back inside my body while caressing my face and smiling  at me.
How I love his sexy stare !
After he comes he holds me tight and tells me how much he looooves having sex with me. Im still flying and keeping quiet, I better not tell him that I have never felt more alive that this moment.
 He makes me feel so alive !
After some more making out and kissing, we leave his appartment, I get into a taxi and he takes Tommy out for an early morning walk.
Sheer bliss !