I was reminded of how love feels

Lately,  I have been reminded of how it feels to be in love.
The horrible parts were all the frustrastions, the untold truth, the secrets, the fears, the stress, the lies, the questioning, the mind battling, who is whom, who dominates, who is the dominee, the power struggle , the complications and the vulnarability.
The wonderful parts were to feel so comfortable with someone, to have the feeling I was fusing with him. I heard someone said that making love is when two people become one, and that was exactly what I was feeling. The familliarity, the private jokes, the incridible intimacy, being unafraid of showing myself emotionally naked even if I knew he would stub me in the back again, someday. The amount of tolerance and forgiving it takes to allow a man in my life had not been clear to me in years. Forgiving him for bitchy comments or weird actions just because I knew I was safe with him anyway. Putting a distance between us and giving him the cold shoulder each time he got on my nerves and watch him campaign to get back into my pants, was also a lot of fun. But what has impressed me the most is how he gave himself to me so completely, without limits ot taboos. I did not reciprocate because.... I just refuse to give my body so totally but whatever I denied him physically I made up for in emotions. We never fucked, not even the first time, we made love always, always. We locked on to each other's gaze while making love and even while making out and that is when sex became sacred again. I spent the last 15 years of my life desacralising sex because I wanted to keep it for my last man  and the power of it terrified me.
Yet, that young skinny white boy from eastern  Germany rocked my world on and off from september 2010 to January 2012. I did not even realise this was a relationship until it was too late, I found myself writing  about other men I slept with ( yes I was not faithful, I am after all the boss of my sexlife ! ) but suddenly, I could not publish about our dates anymore, I wanted to keep it private, just for me. Just for us.
It took a boy, who is not even my type of man, to gently force such a connection upon me.
To remind me of what loving sex is. Indeed I will humbly admit that sex with love is a nearly divine experience and I am grateful that I could be reminded of it.
When he 'd kiss me I could hear Michael Jackson sing, during our love making I even heard Church hymns sometimes. I struggled so hard against my feelings for him and so was he.
We never wanted this, it just happened.
My goodbye  present to Martin was to say that I LOVE YOU,  but I only admited  it because this was the last conversation we will ever have and he wont be able to do anything with that love.
It was a humbling and very emotional experience and I have no regrets at all, Loving sex is sacred, it is the St Graal of sex and Im so very happy to have known this once more. He was so worth it.

However, I still dont want it in my life because once again for  this  price is too high to pay. Sacred sex, magical love making that gave me tsunamis of emotional multi orgasms as well as physical ones is simply too much for me to handle. It is uncontrolable and irreplacable. I am not getting over my ex lover by getting under someone else straight away, I am going to enjoy the exquisite pains of love leaving my heart while lingering in my soul and cherishing that knowlege.
Martin did not break my heart, in fact he gave me wonderful closure and I am at peace with the memory of us, of what was,  and what might have been , had circumstances been different.
My next lovers are going to be one night stands or fuckbuddies only. I never want to go through this again, there is a reason why I live my life the way I do, and once again love kicked my butt. Give me time to recover and I will be the boss more than ever. : D
I might even use that pain to write a novel , lol

Cheating emotionally is still cheating !

Last night I had an unpleasant surprise. My favourite friend with benefits with whom I have this love-hate, on-off thing told me that he met someone while on hollidays abroad. He insists he did not sleep with her because he wanted to end our connection first. In his mind, he did not cheat because no sex was had, but I do say he did cheat because he has develloped strong feelings for the slut in only a week. How did this even happen ? We had a hot night before he left, he rang when he returned but for some reasons I didnt pick up. My little inner voice told me that he had met someone. I did not think of him all week as I got extremely busy and on friday night he texted again. My little inner voice told me to ignore him and I did. Last night I was getting ready to go to a friend's birthday party when he texted and this time I didnt listen to my inner voice. We texted back and forth, wished me fun at the party while he was going to get drunk at a concert. I asked if he wanted to meet later and he texted NO.   This is not his text manner at all but I decided he wasnt gonna spoil my fun and I went to that party. I was home around midnight still high on the great time I had when he texted to ask if I were still awake. I texted yes back and did my pre bed routine, brush my teeth, wash my face, cuddle with my cat, he texted 30 minutes later, and now ?
after another half hour he asked if he could come to see me. I was tired but someting told me I needeed to know what he wanted so urgently. He arrived dressed quite elegently, not his style at all. I could smell some beer and red wine on his breath and wondered why he had not done his usual considerate thing to chew mints before coming to me. We talked about his holls and my week and as usual we kissed and kissed and kissed till we melted together in fabulous sex, gazing at each others eyes, playing with my hair and kissing some more, the magic made an appearance. BUT.
After 15 minutes he was all done and pulled me into a cuddle. I still didnt understand he was getting ready to stub me in the back again. Silly me.
- I could have slept with a couple of women in Teneriffe but I did not. I did not cheat on you.
-Aha, and ?
-I wouldnt do that, I have never cheated on you.
-cool, and ?
We kissed some more and in the middle of a kiss goodnight he said :
-I met someone in Teneriffe.
I stoped kissing and steped back against a pillow.
-Did you screw her ?
-No of course not ! We only hanged out at the airport and talked.
-Then why are we talking about this ? Nothing happened right ?
-I really like her, in fact I want to live with her and start a familly.
-What ?
-I cant stop thinking about her, at night I just lay and wonder how she is doing ?
-You just squeezed your dick out of my body ten minutes ago, we are still wet and sweating in my bed and you lay on my pillows saying at night you will think of another woman ? HELLOOOOOOOO
What is wrong with you ? Are you retarded ?
-But I am just telling you the truth, I didnt want you to hear it from someone else. I like you enough to do this face to face instead of texting it.
Was the idiot wanting a medal ?
-OMG you are breaking up with me ! again. in my bed again, and post sex again ! Why did you sleep with me tonight when you knew you came to say its over ?
I still cannot believe he said what I heard him say.
-I really like you and I love to have sex with you. I just had to have you again. I knew that if I had told you before, you never would have given me your body one last time and I really needed to feel you again.  I took what I wanted, that's all, and yes I am a selfish asshole.
Even now those words havent sunk in. Has he lost his mind or was he always a cold calcuting S.O.B ?
-Since this is gonna be our last conversation and I need no longer be diplomatic with you let me ask you a few questions.
I asked him questions that had been on my mind about why he had said this or done that at such and such occasion and he answered every one of them. The results of this is, we were getting much too close for comfort and each time he did or said something bitchy , he was protecting himself from loving me. He went there to think about his situation with me and thats when he met this other person. He realised our age difference will begin to matter with time and I wont be able to give him children or be around in ten or twenty years as his woman. He didnt know what were. He is certain I love him and feels frustrated that I never said it, he knows that from the way we looked at each other when we have sex. And it is best to end things now before it is too late.

Ladies , I dont know about about you but I have hardly ever heard so much nonsense all at once.

At the end I confessed that I was starting to devellop some feelings and that it was going to be easier now that he was out of my life. He was astounded.
He was seriously starting to flirt with me but I was feeling like vomiting. Dude ! break up with me or dont break up with me but stop trying to get into my pants ! This body is no longer your play area.
At 4 am I asked him to leave and he was all charming and flirty again.
I thanked him for all the good time he had given me over 15 months and told him to please get thefuck out. He tried to kiss me at the door but kissed my hand instead. What a pity ! I had really liked him in bed.
There you go, lesson learned. I will never let another man anywhere near my heart again.
I have no regrets for this has been a truely beautiful connection and it has serve an important purpose, I did not know I coul still feel those things.... It was worse it.

Am I hurt ? My pride is.
Do I feel weird ? Yeah I feel so stupid for allowing things that didnt belong to a sex friendship.
Do I have  any regrets ? None.

Ladies...This book is for you.

the first man of 2012, yum !

Yay ! I got what I wanted. For my first sexual encounter this year, I wanted a special someone. I even prayed that I could have him as my first man this year. I even turned down two propositions because I wanted him to be my  first  man of 2012.
Silly, I know, but it is never the less what my little heart desired and my wish was granted.
Martin and I had texted throughout the day and when he suggested we had a " coffee " that evening I nearly did cartwheels. In order to surprise him I dressed up in black stockings and suspenders with pretty black lace lingerie. When he rang the bell, I went down to let him in at the main entrance and as he walked in, I opened my long black coat wide and flashed at him ! The look on his face was priceless, his jaw dropped and he looked around to see if anyone else was there and saw this. We giggled all the way to the lift and we started making out as we got in my appartment. My coat dropped, his clothes followed and soon we were making out like teenagers on heat. I know he has a thing for dining tables so I walked toward the living room , dragging him gently by his manhood and stood in front of the large table with a cheeky smile, wearing a black negligè and some black stockings with stilettos. He dropped to his knees to kiss my stockinged feet. He took  my stiletto off and sucked my toes while giving me sexy stares.
I will admit that it is hard not  to burst in a fit of giggles when he sucks my toes , but he loves doing it and he does it so good !
We had three hours of fabulous sex on the dining  table, against the wall, on the coffee table and eventually on the leather couch. We sat on the floor, drinking water from each other's mouths and we talked for a long time, that was extremely exciting to connect on many levels like this. As he was on his way out  I held him tight and he looked at me so intensely I though he was about to say something important but he picked me up and laid me gently on the couch for more sex. Yum.
It is always hard to let a man go after he has given me so much but the bonus is.... I can snore happily as much and as loud as I please after he leaves because my cat doesnt mind at all.

The last man in 2011 ! Happy 2012 !

Happy 2012 everyone ! How did you celebrate ? What did you do ? Or who did you do ? It doesnt matter if you partied in a noisy club or in private with a bunch of friends. It is ok if you were home alone or with your four legged friend watching comedies on tv. What really matters is to be whole and to feel balanced. Whatever makes you happy, whatever brings joy to your heart, that's what counts. On the 31st I went to this huge party in Montreux with my friend Bela and her daughter. Great 90's music and great giggles were enjoyed but Im sorry to say nearly everyone else got so drunk it turned into a puke competition on the way out. Why spend time putting on make up and selecting beautiful clothes and sexy shoes, if it is going to be ruined within a couple of hours with bad breath, melting make up, messy hair and laying on the dirty floor after passing out ? I get having a couple of drinks, but why drink and drink till you are sick ? Do you even taste your drink after the fifth  shot ? Anyway I was happy to go home to my cat around 7 am and wash the glitter out of my hair. My real celebration took place one night before when Martin called to say he was back in town and making himself pretty for me. At first I wasnt interested. I just wanted an early night and I was watching  " the note book ".
 As we kept texting he sent me a pic of his shaved and very erected manhood.
I still was resisting but the characters on television starting making out heavily...... He sent me a pic of his sexy mouth and wrote :  " are you missing this ? "
That was simply  too hot and I texted back : " come see me right now ".
And he was there 5 minutes later with a cheeky smile.
That night was magical, brought back many wonderful memories. He was romantic, cuddly and so gentle. We held each other and talked. He wondered why I get blocked up when we talk sometimes, it is as tough Im about to ask him a question or make a statement but I just freeze. Is that the case ? Maybe....
Martin wanted to take things slowly and I did at first but you cannot send me a picture of your dick and say you want to take things slowly with me, can you ?
Not wanting to ruin the beautiful romantic atmosphere of that night, I squeezed myself  out of his arms and put some music on. I treated him to a very slow and nerve racking strip tease that made him feel like the woolf in that famous Tex Avery cartoon. He enjoyed it so much that he forgot about going slowly. At some point he asked between kisses where I had learned to do that, I answered that it doesnt matter, I just know how to. Thats all. He insisted and stopped kissing long enough to ask why I know how to do this.  I batted my eyelids and flashed him a thigh, adding that the point is I know how to and this is all for him and nothing else matters. He stoped asking stupid questions when I unbuttoned his black shirt and covered  his thorax with small kisses.
Men ! Why do they ask such questions when we are being nice to them ? Who cares why we give torrefic blowjobs or how we move in bed ? The point is we do ! Thats all. If a lover really connects with me physically and gives me his best, I will like it so much I will do my best to give him as wonderful a time too. Who wants to know why ? Sex is one of the only time where we are truely free and unafraid. Please ! no more stupid questions to invite reality back in.
Sex with him on friday night was so dreamlike that I even wondered if he was trying to make me fall in love with him. He stared lovingly at my eyes and asked if there was something I wanted to tell him.
I knew it !
" Fuck me harder " is the answer he got. Not what he wanted to hear I guess. He switched from really romantic to raw and dirty and we had wild crasy sex on the large oak coffee table, on the leather sofa and mostly on the floor. Squeezing my bottock, pulling my hair, biting my shoulders, spiting on his dick and riding me furiously till he grabed my face, kissed me deeply and asked again :
 " sure there is nothing you wanna say to me ? "
err " more ? " Still not what he wanted but his cheeky smile meant he accepted that this was not going to happen and we switched back to making love on the dining table until he came so hard he screamed the house down before falling on top of me, snoring for a minute.
Messy hair, sweaty face, shallow breating and my red satin dress nearly torn and soaked from the soda he had poured on me to lick it off while playing. Bruised lips and dry throat, Yeap this has been a really sexy celebration of the year that was ending. So much nicer than watching strangers fight and get intoxicated in some club.
Later on after a shower and a million kisses I let him go, feeling so whole and so satisfied Im probably not going to get laid for a week or two. My body is still aching now and I need to sit slowly. My kind of sex ! Im so  very glad he was my last man in 2011, I wonder who will be my first man in 2012 ?
P.S.
Actualy Martin turned out to be my first man on 2012 and a couple of weeks later we had our last night together when he broke up with me but gave me wonderful sex and soothing closure. He had tried so hard to make me talk about my feelings and maybe I should have. I had no idea that Martin had feelings for me, let alone that he was struggling with those feelings. Our last night together was also the only real conversation we had about our feelings. I do miss him but I have no regrets and I shall get back on the saddle soon.