You cannot help a self destructive man

Carlos (name changed)  was a witty sexy very charismatic portuguese bartender. He hit on me straight away when we met 9 years ago.
I have  tried to occult this truely unglorious affair but it might help you ladies to learn something vital : YOU CANNOT HELP A SELF DESTRUCTIVE  MAN WHO DONT WANT ANY HELP !!!!!!!

Was that big enough ? did you all see it ?
Ok, here is what happened.
For some reason I was feeling a litte vulnerable at the time so when this hottie went out of his way to make a pass at me I asked him to meet me the following day which was the 1st of august, here its like the french 14th of july or the american 4 th of july, day off, big street parties, fireworks ! the whole nine yards.
Indeed he surprised me with fantastic mind blowing sex, even the fireworks outside didnt compare.
I had no idea a peasant boy could be so sensous. In fact I was so impressed I took him on as my shagg buddy.
That sex was unforgettable, we use to play with food, he would drop a dollop of fresh cream on my knee and lick it off, working his way up. he would bite inside an orange before going down on me, showering together, crasy kinky stuff !
He loved brusing my hair , which he asked me to keep long, pfffff, he loved watching me dress. It started really well.....BUT one day , out of the blue I discovered he had a drinking problem, later I discovered he was an alcoholic ! Since Carlos refused to be kept in the closet, we used to go out all the time, shopping, clubbing, holding hands, it was getting a little bit out of control but I saw it too late.
Within 2 months of intense dating I found out he was not only an alcoholic but snorting coke as well ! everything I hate, his dealer even tried to threaten me !.
 AND to make matter worse he was still sleeping with the girlfriend he said had left.
What was I to do ?
I was very attached to that bitch, so silly me , with my heart of gold, decided to save him.
He agreed on the condition that I would stay with him. Those were crasy times, i was juggling 2 jobs, my teenage children, my household  and keeping my lover on the straight and narrow.
What was I thinking ?
did I really think I could stop an alcoholic bartender from drinking ?
How often did I pick him up from work to drag him to his appartment to make sure he would eat something and sleep. The girlfriend had really left by then because she wanted a baby and he didnt. Suddenly he wanted one with me and was furious when I explained that I had  already borne and raised my children and wanted no more. When I would get fed up and refuse to go see him, he would black mail me emotionally saying he was gonna snort a week of salary and it would be my fault. Sometimes the blackmail worked and sometimes I would feel so happy at home with my kids and our 4 cats that I would find the strength to say no.
This was the most toxic relationship I have ever been in, I have dated toxic men after that, but none compares to this lowlife. He was so envious of my life, my familly, my friends, my jobs, even of my frienship with my ex husbands.
Why ? because he was a crasy moron who didnt like to see people beeing happy thats why.
I can truely say that I actually suffered with Carlos, it was so toxic that he would cheat on me and tell me all about it, then I would retaliate by cheating on him and tell him everything.
As months went by however, he would feel so supported by my enthusiasm that he was greatly reducing smoking and drinking, even snorting was out of the picture but he smoked more joints to compensate.
We did some crasy things like al fresco sex, we had shagged on a morning train at 5am returning from a party, we were shagging in the bathroom till the ticket controller knocked on the door, I was blushing so much I looked like a strawberry ! We did it everwhere,in the lift, in the park, in the laundry room, i was so afraid of getting cought ! it was insane, then he would resent me again for not letting him do drugs, I did say clearly that I would leave him immediatelly if he did. We would fight some more and we would have great make up sex, all the time.
Once I switched my phone off because I was hosting an important familly dinner and I didnt want him pestering me, next morning at 6am I was queuing up at the baker and he jumped on me, red eyed and disheveled.
Screaming : Puta why did u leave me alone ? were you with another man? you fucking Puta Im gonna kill you !  
It took all my cold blooded diplomatie to calm Carlos down, there was around 10 people watching while he was gesturing and screamimg threats right in my face, I almost expected those people to get the pop corn out.
Nobody lifted a finger to help me. It was like beeing trapped in a Tarantino movie, where the bad man wants to hurt the girl but she has more balls that he does. Since I was no longer prepared to be agressed verbally much longer I slapped him. To this day I cant believe I actually raised my hand to someone. Thats how far he had pushed me, this was wrong I shouldnt have done that but at the time it was the only defense I had.
Carlos's reaction was to break the windows of that bakery, eveverybody run away while he kept screaming at me, I regained some self control and walked him slowly to his building and ask if he wanted to break up.
After a string of : fucking puta, im gonna kill you if you leave carlos! dont you walk away from carlos! pusha !
I left him to sleep it off, but that  had really shaken me to the core, i couldnt go on like that.
Next evening, he was sober and behaved normally, I gave him a long speach which in short meant, i want you off booze and drugs now or Im leaving you forever. He seemed to understand and he did stop.
Thas was so nice , we would walk around in a park and he would marvel at the colours of the flowers, birds and trees, he hadnt notice the beautifull Aare river before, he didnt realise there was so much beauty to life without intoxication. I had made it, he was sober, he was saved, off the hook. And he felt extremely gratefull to me for that.
Untill he made the huge mistake of telling his psycho mother back in portugal, about us and his sobriety.
That evil person didnt want a happy son with a good woman, she wanted him , stoned and lonely like her miserable drunken self. She began a huge manipulation, contacting his ex, convincing her that carlos was missing her and that i was just a fling. She so fell for it, the mother knew that girl would never be strong enough to keep Carlos on the straight and narrow, and she knew we would break up when he would drink again. And she won.
One day Carlos and I were clubbing , he saw Lourdes  when I was in the bathrom and she made a plea for him.

Exactly one year later after our first date he stood me up so that he could go smoke crack with some other losers in some crack house. I went to his flat the next day and I couldnt believe what I found there....grass, coke, crack pipe. He threw away months of sobriety in one evening !
I left before he could see me cry. In the stairs i decided to man up and I went back in to tell him what an idiot he was to ruin his life, his reaction was :
Go fuck yourself , i dont love you anymore, im going back to lourdes who loves me so much she takes me as i am !
Astonishing ! it was the last thing i expected. I felt quite stupid too, having worked so hard for nothing.
I calmly explained to him what he was doing and that i wouldnt take him back.
(his mumy dearest  had counted on that)
As I went home I cried for a week, I felt so humiliated. What made me think I could save a selfdestructive man with an overpowering mother and a retarded girlfriend anyway ?
After 11 days he began calling me regularly, once i was elswhere and my daughter picked the phone up to tell him : Thank you for breaking up with mom, now she can purge her life of you at last, by the way you have made the biggest mistake of you life because you will never find a class act like my mom again.

I was so moved when I found out my daughter said this to this bloke she profoundly dispised. How sweet !
That gave me a lot of energy back and I started to feel better. Carlos kept calling, kept following me eveywhere, explained that mummy dearest had manipulated everyone and that he had already broke up with lourdes and what was he gonna do without me and so on......I could feel myself slowly falling for his lies again so I took drastic actions: I wrote him a long letter that I dropped in his mail box with a CD of Celine Dion."pour que tu m aimes encore"
That letter contained  all my resentment, my disapointment, my anger at his stupidity and betrayal. I said I did not want to be his lover, girlfriend or even friend anymore, I forbid him to think of me, to talk to me, I said I didnt even hate him , I just wanted out of this sick , twisted love of his.
That really got to him, he dropped everything and cought the next plane to.........drum rollls: his mom !

The funny thing is this is how I met Djamel, they were about to have a punch up over a professional disagreement in the kitchen and I pulled Carlos out of it. By the time I saw Damel again Carlos was out of my life but we had something to talk about on our first date, lol.

Right after Xmas ,Carlos started calling, he was so lonely and miserable on his mothers farm, he kept asking me to bring him back into the country, he was constantly stoned and drunk. One day I just stopped taking his calls because they were begining to upset me. He did text stalk me for a year after that though.

In conclusion I will say : there is nothing , absolutely nothing you can do to help a self destructive man. A man who goes to alcoholic anonymous and does the 12 steps you can help, but one you have to constantly watch and  nurse, you cannot, There you go lesson learned.
If your new man is an alcoholic or a coke head, RUN AWAY no questions asked. It will not make you a bitch, it will make you smart.